a mess

if SS know of all the turmoil in my life right now, I think he would silently (?) gloat to himself that everything is falling apart. I think he would feel vindicated that these bad things are happening to me because of what I did to him. I think he would think that I deserved it or that I somehow attracted it all into myself because of my outlook on life. hmm … he has always thought that I think the worse and that I’m somehow attracting all sorts of shit into my life. and ive in turn always wondered, if that logic doesn’t apply to him too. I mean, what kinda negative vibe does he give off to be attracting people that are so bad for him?

anyway, this isn’t about him. this post is actually about how shitty ive been feeling recently. today makes 3 weeks since my car has been at the dealership. the gearbox is shot to shit and is being replaced but its taking some time. and it will take at least a further 3 weeks to get it back. until then I am without a ride while I continue to pay my car loan. my freedom to move is severely restricted.

I have to leave my apartment because it was sold. I havent found a new place as yet. they places are either sub-par or too expensive. and I don’t want to be paying too much for a place and limit my ability to save up to buy a place of my own. I’m now considering living with my mother again and god knows I don’t want to. it may mean having to living with my brother again if/whenever he is not in jail/prison. if I do though it presents an opportunity to save by means of sharing expenses but it also is another way by which my freedom is restricted because I now become the default babysitter for my nephew.

another, more emotionally taxing thing I worry about is whenever SS decides to come get the rest of his stuff. its not a lot of things but they are his things. I wish he had taken them all at once so that now I wouldn’t be in limbo but so be it. it seems that one of always has to suffer for the other to have peace and that’s such a shame. for me to have had peace, SS would have needed to move out the night of the fight or at the very latest, taken all his things the next day when he came for his stuff. if he took his things the night of the fight he would be severely inconvenienced and have suffered through quite a bit but at least I would have been ok. he said he feels like he needs the distance from me so he isn’t really rushing to come get his things until hes in a better frame of mind I guess. and while that may make him feel better, it leaves me suffering because I’m constantly wondering if and when he will come by. I keep wondering if this delay is a ploy to an avenue to reconcile but after last night’s stinger I doubt it.

right now I feel like more things are going wrong than right. but I’m doing my best to keep my head above water. I’m trying not to allow myself to depend of alcohol and sleeping pills to get through the night. I’m trying not to seek love and comfort in the wrong ways and wrong places. I’m trying to hold my emotions together and not be a blubbering mess all the time. I’m trying to just keep myself in one piece. and so far my son is ok so I’m ok with that. and I’m surprised that work is actually going well but I’m happy about that. it feels like I finally fit somewhere with work so that’s a plus.

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painful blunder

so I was on whatapp web and had SS’s chat window open. I had no intention of speaking to him. sometimes I just like to open the chat window and look at it. anyway, a message come in from someone else and I went to the WhatsApp window and type in a response and accidently sent it to SS. I was mortified. I wasn’t sure if I should apologise immediately nor was I sure what to say so I said nothing at first. I saw that he read it and I kinda hoped he would ignore it and spare me the embarrassment of knowing he saw my mistake.

anyway, as luck would have it, he decided to respond and simply asked “wrong convo?”, to which I said “yes. I’m sorry”. he came back with “yea. we both are”. hmm, while limited in words it stung quite a bit. he could have just said ok or something. I suppose at this point, almost 10 weeks after our break-up, I would have preferred a less stinging response. but its not for me to decide or dictate how he feels or reacts. it would seem his anger and/or pain hasn’t subsided and I suppose I realise now that his position towards me may never soften. that bothers me for multiple reasons: 1) I don’t think he has the right to be as mad/hurt as he has, not with what he has done to me and 2) I hoped his stance would have softened after some introspection. but again that’s all me and has nothing to do with him. he is entitled to feel whatever he does … as am I.

after reading the 4 lined convo a few times, I was about to breakdown crying but I stopped myself. I felt like crying because it was a reminder of what was lost. it was a reminder of what will never be. it was a reminder of the guilt I feel even though I was wronged. it was a reminder of how little things had really changed. and it was an in-needed reminder of how bad things really were and that maybe this end wasn’t such a bad thing. I miss him everyday and I feel guilty everyday but I have yet to feel relief every day. some days I’m glad its over because I don’t want to ever relive the experience of the bad stuff. but there are other days where I am immensely sad that things have ended and that it seems he hasn’t learned or changed much over the past 10 weeks. I am immensely said that I feel bad for hurting him now that I realise the impact of the underlying challenges that we had.

*sigh* anyway, I suppose in the grand scheme of things this is just one of those things you go through after a break-up. we will each be subject to our own feelings and we will both deal with things differently. either way, its not easy. I hope that eventually it will become easier and that one day I will be over it all.

Here’s to 2017

I don’t have the energy or wherewithal to do a recap of 2016, but if I was to give it a grade of some sort I would say it was a solid C (average). There were some good times and some not so good times. I feel like I should now be making some sort of commitment to myself to be and do better over the course of the next 12 months, but im truly not in the frame of mind for it. I do not feel hopeful or optimistic. I do not feel a sense of renewal nor am I bursting with the prospect of new possibilities. I just feel very blah.

And I know exactly why that is. It is because I’m in a place where I desperately crave love and have an overwhelming need to be loved but at the same time I dread and detest the idea of being in love and in another relationship. On one hand I want to get married and have a new baby and be with someone who loves and is committed to me whom I can love and enjoy a long companionship with. but then I don’t want the pain and distress that comes along with being misunderstood and brow-beaten and criticized and not being heard. I don’t want to risk another situation such as the one I’ve just exited with SS.

I know I shouldn’t be thinking about him as much as I have been but I cant help it. I miss him and I still love him. I am trying to forgive him but honestly I am mad that he has found something to be mad at me about when I feel that I have more reason to be angry and hurt than him. I know he has a right to feel the things he does but it upsets me because I would prefer if he focused on how he wronged me. he said a whole host of shit to and about me that he hasn’t bother to apologise for. he said I was just there. me. apparently none of what ive done or been through counts for anything. he says I was just there as if he too wasn’t just there. Him, who would be asleep through most of my awake hours. him, who had mostly stopped helping out around the house. sometimes I struggle to find a benefit to being with him. theres no polite way to say something like that so I didn’t. but I kept trying and tried to be supportive when he needed it. I tried to work with his need to wander off in the night. I tried to work with all the things he needed to do to feel comfortable even when he didn’t hold up his end of the deal. he says I didn’t try and I think that was such an unfair thing to say. this man, who said he doesn’t know when he hurt me and that he doesn’t know how to celebrate me. he says that and doesn’t think I would be affected. he says that and it shows in his actions but I must be ready to jump on his dick and be physically affectionate when he wants it. oh lets not forget that I must be all manner of loving to him even though I’m not getting anything from him and allegations of him cheating on my are running while. he doesn’t do much to show me he loves me in the ways that I would prefer but I’m supposed to do so.

*sigh* I know I should be focused on my own feelings but I’m really quite mad and hurt and disappointed that hes found time to be mad at me but cant see what he did wrong. I would stupidly, against all my best judgement go back begging and pleading for his forgiveness of my wrongdoings if he would for once, acknowledge his. I cant do it because I know if I go back and beg for him to reconcile things with me, we would be perpetually focused on me and not on him and how he messed up and how that contributed to the distance between us and our eventual deterioration and demise.

I am trying to not think about him. I really am but its not working. I’m dying for him to come get his things so that I can start trying to block things out and move on. I’m hoping that as soon as he gets his things then I can start moving on. I keep wondering if and when we will see each other and how that will go. I keep wondering if whenever we do see each other again if we can find a middle ground and work things out. I don’t know why I am worried about that. I suppose its because I still have feelings for him and hope that he feels the same and would be willing to fight for my love. but I know that’s stupid because not only should i not worry about what he thinks but also I should wanted to be back in a situation where I don’t feel like I gain anything from the union.

I feel so tormented and hurt and bothered by this whole mess and I know one day I wont feel quite as strongly about it and I look forward to that day with bated breath. but until the I feel so many conflicting things and overall I’m left feeling immensely sad. sometimes I cant think of anything else. sometimes I find it hard to function and focus and sleep. I find it hard to be happy when I have lost so much. I find it hard to think of ever being in a relationship again despite how much I want it. and its all made worse when today, my phone called him by accident and he returned the call and we had this awkward 30 second conversation that ended as abruptly as ever. it was good to hear his voice and id be lying if I didn’t say I was surprised that he actually called back. I wonder if I should take it as a sign to try to straighten things out. I wont though. I will just try not to drown in my sorrows.

heres to finding suitable distractions to make it through the year. and I don’t mean find someone new to fill his place because I know that wont help. ive been on a date or 2 since SS and I broke up and it didn’t make me feel any better or anymore hopeful at potential prospects.

final feelings

I heard from SS earlier this evening. he wanted to make arrangements to come and get the rest of his things. He hasn’t specified a day yet but it should be happening sometime this week as he indicated that he wants both of us to start the new year with clean slates. I was expecting this email and wondering if/when this would happen. Now that it seems to be happening soon, I am saddened by it.

I am sad that it is over. I am sad that its all finally coming to a close. I’m sad that its all really happening. 7 weeks ago, we were together and trying to rebuild our lives together and I seem to have erred when pointing out to him that him changing plans without telling me, affected me. At the time of telling him this I wasn’t angry and I certainly didn’t set out to start a fight, but from the looks of things, it seems I shouldn’t have said anything. Further to that I shouldn’t have brought it up when he came over later that night, I shouldn’t have turned my back to him when I got into bed, I shouldn’t have yelled and I most certainly shouldn’t have called the police when he wouldn’t leave.

so much can happen in 7 weeks … 49 days … many hours and even more minutes, but so it goes. a few weeks ago I read a book about love languages and it opened my eyes to a lot of things. I already knew that people love differently, i.e. what one person considers as a show of love may not mean the same things to another. however, what it seems that I forgot is that love is a choice and its a choice you have to constantly make, even when (maybe especially when), you don’t feel like it. Honestly, I wasn’t thinking about choosing to love him. I found it difficult to do that when I was feeling unloved myself. I suppose its selfish, and selfishness has no place in love, but I was constantly waiting on him to do something to show that he loved me. He has said on many occasions that if he didn’t love, he would be here with me. And I know he was serious when he said it, but it really didn’t mean anything to me when he said it. I didn’t want him to be just there. I wanted more than that. Him living with me wasn’t a sign of love to me because I don’t think people have to live together as a show of love. Plus I didn’t have much faith in him living here as a sign of love because I know he wanted/needed an escape from his mom. I hated when he would say that he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t love me or if he didn’t want to be here, because like I said, it really wasn’t the sign of love I was looking for.

Anyway, like I was saying, I know now that I was wrong for not choosing to show him love in the ways that he needed it. I honestly wasn’t deliberately withholding my affection, but I wasn’t going out of my way to make him feel loved. I was quite caught up and frustrated by my own feelings of not having my needs met, that I truly didn’t realise the impact it was having on him and how it was further adding to my problems with him. how could he love me if he didn’t feel loved? why would he choose to love me if he didn’t feel loved? I really do get it now. I see it from both sides and appreciate what it means. one of us needed to be the “bigger person”. one of us needed to go out of our way for the other. one of us needed to make a bigger effort than we wanted to. one of us needed to swallow our pride and fear and make the changes that the other needed.

God knows I couldn’t have done it. Its mostly because I didn’t realize what was happening. I didn’t realise how closed off I was getting. I didn’t realize the distance I was causing because of how hurt I was and how unloved I felt. He said he didn’t know how to celebrate me. He said he didn’t know what hurt me. and those things crushed my spirit. he had asked, some time before, what he could do to make me feel more loved or something to that effect and I don’t think I ever answered. I felt dejected that he was asking this after all this time. I wasn’t able to see past all these things and that was definitely a drawback on my part.

I truly wanted this relationship to work. I had my heart set on it. I had many hopes and dreams for us both. After my relationship with EHB ended, I lost faith that I would be in a position to have the ideal family I pictured in my head. I had hopes of having that with SS. I hoped we would be good together and get past the things that were holding us back. But it wasn’t to be. I have wanted to be with him for so long. I was devastated by what happened between us in the first 2 years of knowing each other when he choose to distance himself and love someone else. I mean, you cant be mad at someone for loving someone else but what hurt me was how long it took him to tell me. what hurt me then was feeling like a stop-gap until he found something better. I hated feeling that way and if that’s how I’ve made him feel now, I am truly sorry. I hated watching him openly love someone else when all I wanted was for him to love me the same way. I hated that he couldn’t see how that hurt me. I hated that he blamed me for that and that he couldn’t acknowledge how he contributed to my pain. I hated that he thought I wanted public acknowledgement when all I really wanted was to know how he truly felt about me. I wanted to know he was happy for me and for us in those moments when he was by himself. I wanted to know about the random, stray thoughts that crossed his mind that made him acquaint me with love in his mind. I wanted to know that he thought of me when he thought of love. How could I not be jealous, when for my birthday I get a card with his name in it, but his deceased ex-girlfriend gets pics of them being affectionate posted all over twitter? how was that to make me feel? he didn’t get it then and I don’t know if he ever will. Much in the same way that he can rant and rave about me when he is mad, id have liked to see some sort of expression of contentment when he was happy.

In his emails, he chastised me for being just there and it crushed me to read what he said. While I don’t agree with his take on things, I suppose I understand them. I often felt like he was just there. how could I not, when he would be asleep when I got up for work and sometimes asleep when I got home? how could I feel like he was more than just there when after being asleep when I got home, he would be unable to sleep and then leave the apartment to go hang out til all sorts of hours of the morning? how was I to feel whenever I brought up him being gone in the nights, he would say that that’s how he was from before we met and that that I’m demonizing his sleep patterns? how was I to feel if when I offered a compromise that he message me before he leaves out, he couldn’t hold up his end of the deal? how was I to feel like he was more than just there when id have to go to work, take care of the bills and do all the chores? what was his contribution to the household? what was his contribution to me? just being present? he would cook but that became less and less frequent. he didn’t seem interested in doing that anymore. how was I to feel when he started working that he didn’t tell me when he got paid and that he would buy groceries every so often rather than make a structured financial commitment to the household?

how was I to feel about his formerly close friend saying that he has women in his girlfriend’s apartment while she is at work? I know he judges me for listening to his friend and not believing in him, and lord knows I wish I could’ve ignored what was being said. but it was truly difficult with all that was happening between us. Its hard to not worry and feel concerned when you feel unloved and when your boyfriend really does have the opportunity to do the things he was accused of doing. I’m not there on the nights he leaves the apartment and doesn’t come back until late the next morning. how am I to feel when I ask for reassurance I am told I don’t need it? how am I to feel when my concerns aren’t addressed? how was I to feel loved when every time i’d open my mouth he would bring up a problem related to himself, rather than address my issue? how was I to feel heard and understood?

there are many things I wanted from him to feel connected to him and feel special. and I’m pretty sure that he was aware of some, maybe even most of the things that bothered me. we have actually spoken about quite a few of the things I’ve previously mentioned, but still he said he doesn’t know how he hurt me. that broke my heart. there are a lot of little things he could have done consistently to make me feel loved and appreciated … like helping out around the house or trying to be awake when I was home or spending more of the time he was in fact awake with me rather than outside on the steps or talk to me about how he was feeling, like about things such as the abortion or listen to me without making me feel bad for having a problem. I don’t doubt that he loved me but more and more it has become clear to me that I wasn’t loved in the ways that I could feel loved and because of that I couldn’t return the love I felt in the ways he wanted.

I didn’t want to yell at him. I actually quite hate conflict and having to fight. However, I felt that if I kept quite my soul would be crushed and I felt that if he could be so brave and bold and tell me what was on his mind then I could too. If he could walk around and swear and say mean and awful things about me then why couldn’t I fight to be heard? it was probably not the best approach and maybe did more harm than good but it was apart of our pattern that he likes to refer. what he really does is talks about patterns that I have without realizing how integral he is to it. on the night of his birthday, I wouldn’t have started yelling if he wasn’t cursing and being nasty towards me. in fact we were speaking to each other quite fine until he started pounding on the bed and getting agitated. but as far as I can tell he doesn’t make that connection. he only sees what ive done wrong and not how he contributed to it. I know he can make linkages and see things because he told me that him throwing the cake at me was basically as a result of what I was doing. it wasn’t his loss of control and anger that caused it, it was my behavior. it all comes down to what I did or didn’t do.

I do accept my role in this. there are many things I could have done differently. I could have tried harder to see his point of view. I could have tried much harder to love him the way he needed to be loved. and I certainly could have tried harder to be the bigger person and look past my own hurt feelings. I could have tried harder to look past feeling stifled by him and meeting his needs, to try to meet him half way in the hopes that he would follow suit. I really wanted him to apologise to me. I wanted him to know that he hurt me and acknowledge the ways that he did. I wanted to forgive him for hurting me. I wanted to forgive him for all the things the had done that rubbed me the wrong way and made me feel undeserving or unworthy or inferior to him. but he never acknowledged his wrongs and he certainly hasn’t apologized. and at this point I’m sure it wont happen. in one of his many emails to me, he basically says that he hopes I see my shortcomings and fixes them so that I don’t do this to myself again or to anyone who wants to love me. I too hope he has learnt something and that he learns enough to not hurt the next person he chooses to be with. I hope he is able to look into himself and see where he has truly erred and make whatever changes may be necessary. He is going to therapy and I hope he gets a benefit from it, but I’m not sure that will be the case. I don’t know how good that therapist is for him or how much of what is learnt is sticking with him. I say this not because I have a problem with therapy as he suspects, but because after one of his sessions, he blasted me for pulling away from him and distancing myself until there was nothing left to keep me grounded. My heart sank reading the emails, because all I could think was that he doesn’t really see how he fit into the picture. he doesn’t seem to take any real responsibility for what happened. it all falls squarely at my feet. even he has said as much. I know we all look for confirmation of what we think. we all look for answers that suit us, but I would like to believe his therapist means him some amount of good and will hopefully help him see where he went wrong and how he can correct it.

anyway, its not really about him and I wont make excuses for him because I believe in my heart that he could have done better because he should have/does know better. I believe he should have handled things quite differently, but as he is human like myself, he is prone to making mistakes. and, just like I was unable to see past my own pain and choose to love him in the ways that he needed to, maybe he was unable to look past his pain and love me as I needed him to. I know many other things needed fixing and after thinking about it all and writing this epistle, I wonder to myself why would I even consider reconciling. its not because I miss him or because I’m lonely or because I feel like I couldn’t do better. its mostly because I suppose I still have an itty-bitty bit of faith that love can overcome things and i really did love him. sometimes I wonder if this really is the end or if we will end up together again like the times we did before. I don’t have an answer and for now I accept things as they are. I just feel immensely sad that he never really understood me and that he never acknowledged how he hurt me or tried to makes amends for it.

actions vs words

my thoughts have been very pre-occupied with SS since he sent his last email. i feel a lot of things that i cant quite name. i am very bothered by a lot of the things he said in his email and they have left me feeling quite sad and hurt. i feel that he has been unfair in many of his assertions. I feel he has been very one-sided as well. if i was to judge him by the same standards he has set for me then our relationship would have disintegrated quite some time ago, i think.

“While it’s lovely to share words, actions speak much louder than they ever could and it’s what I used to evaluate how you really feel about me. Perhaps you should take some time and reflect on your actions and maybe then you will begin to see why I feel the way I do.”

i lifted those two sentences from the email he sent to me. I suppose actions do speak louder than words. Its what we have all been trained to think and believe. However, it seems to me that many of us miss, that like words, actions can be open to interpretation. Look at the act of opening the car door for someone, for example. A man might open an car door for a woman and neither of them think anything of it. Both could see it as a simple act of courtesy. Alternatively, the man could see it as going out of his way for the woman and the woman could agree with this line of thinking and see the man’s act as special and meaningful. The woman could see it as an obligation on the part of the man and be disappointed if he doesnt do it. And the man could just be doing it as a part of a routine and add no importance or meaning to the act. I say all of that to say that, I too could have judged his feelings for me predominantly by his actions and in that case we might not really have got anywhere. I hated that he didnt help out more around the house. I felt like i was being overburdened and over-worked. I felt that our duties werent equally shared. However, as much as i felt that way, I didnt take his helping out to mean he didnt love me or that he didnt appreciate me though id be lying if i said it didnt feel that way. There were various reasons why he couldnt or didnt help out as much as he could have or as much as i would have liked, and I accepted his reasons for this as they were given. I hated that he would come in late and then sleep away the day and leave all the chores on my, but i had to accept that it was because of his unusual sleep pattern or work schedule. Should i have thought less of him for not waking up to help with chores? Should i have thought less of him for not making more of an effort to do something that was important to me? and funny enough its not that he didnt know i wasnt a fan of the late sleeping and he was well aware that i needed help around the apartment, but still no real change was made. should i have then judged him by his actions and not his words? let’s think of those times when he couldnt sleep and left the apartment without saying anything. should i have not taken him at his word that he forgot? or should i look at his actions and determine by them that he didnt care? i mean, he was well aware that i wasnt a fan of him leaving in the night and we came to an agreement about what to do if he felt the need to leave. how then should i interpret him not sticking to the arrangement?

What should i think of his actions when he changes plans without including or consulting me? how should i interpret him throwing something at me? what should i think of his actions when he walks out of the apartment because i wouldnt have sex with him? what should i think of his actions when he expresses his discomfort about having the abortion performed by someone who knows him and also when he opted to talk to a friend instead of me about his feelings regarding that situation? What should i think of his flirting online when he knows i dont like it? what should i think of the hours he spent outside on the stairs smoking and watching videos when i wanted his attention and company? what should i think of the times i got in from work and no chores were done and no dinner was made, even though he was home all day? what should i think of all the times he went out with his friends without giving me any real notice or without inviting me? what was i to think of him not repairing the damage to my vehicle? what was i to think of him not telling me about getting paid etc, and doing more financially after being employed? most, if not all, these things were brought up to him as bothersome to me. and more often than not what i got was an explanation as to why it happened but no real change to ensure there was no repeat of the matter. this resulted in me usually having to hug up my feelings and kinda just accept that this was how things would work. and it wasnt because he didnt love me or care for me, even though i might have felt that way, but because it was just how he was and no ill-intent was meant by it as evidenced by his words.

what was i to do on all the occasions that his actions didnt match up with things that would make me feel loved and cared for? should i have used that as the primary judge of his feelings? should i have judged his feelings for me by the way in which he told me that he was choosing to be with someone else? should i have used it to judge him then? and should i still use it to judge him now? hmm, it wouldnt be fair of me to do so but i guess its ok for him to do it. i guess its ok for him to utilise this “actions speak louder than words” narrative when it suits his perspective. but i dont believe those rules apply to me. ive wondered to myself many times if he ever stopped to think of the impact of his actions on me and how they made me feel. but if im to be honest, the conversation in my head usually ended with him telling me that its just the way he is and he doesnt mean anything by it and that i somehow should have known he loved me. and then im left wondering how i should know if at the end of it all the actions he displayed meant something different to me than they did to him?

im pretty sure i could say that he was just present. often times he would actually say that he wouldnt be present if he didnt feel a particular way. and also that i should know how he feels because why else would he be there? Maybe i didnt deserve actions that to back up those feelings and maybe him being present was to be sufficient for me. that seems a tad one-sided but who am i to complain? who am i to feel hurt by it? who am i to disappointed that i didnt get it? i am very put off by the things he has said and the approach he has chosen to use but i guess he is just doing whats best for him and thats ok. unfortunately what it does is that it makes it easy for me to feel validated by my decision. It makes it just a little bit easier to feel relieved that its over. it makes the heartache and pain i feel, hurt just a little bit less.