if romantic love is a relatively recent development, why do we sneer at those who don’t subscribe to the “rules” of romantic love? if marriages were predominantly for economic value and transfer/maintenance of power, why do we look down on folks who marry for money? maybe they have it figured out and not those of us who go about doing things for love
a lot of change can take place in a little bit of time, while so much time can pass and it would seem as if nothing at all has changed. SS have been talking to each other relatively consistently over the past 2 weeks. ever since I mentioned to him that my grandfather passed away, he has been very open to talking with me. the conversations have been as varied as anything I can imagine but I will say they haven’t been bad.
the last few weeks have been interesting to say the least. I have missed this man for quite some time. I have wondered about he feels and I have stressed about his reactions towards me. and if I’m to be honest, a lot of what I feel about his words and actions still remain. I’m still quite hurt by a lot of the things he did and said but I’m slowly moving past it. and not because of anything he has done. because he hasn’t really done anything. he has apologized for some things but nothing near as specific as I would have like. but I’m not too bothered by that. maybe he doesn’t know what to apologise for. I suppose he really doesn’t. but you know I find that truly hard to believe. I think that with much introspection and self-assessment you should be able to recognize when you’ve hurt someone. I don’t think you always need to be told what you’ve done wrong. I think we are all capable of realizing when we made a mistake and unfortunately I haven’t see that here. I haven’t seen him apologise on his own for what he has done. I haven’t seen him apologise based on what he perceives might have been something he did wrong. and that would mean a lot to me. that would mean he has learnt something and is doing well to repair it. to his credit though he has been apologizing each time I point out something that bothered me.
I, surprisingly, have found myself apologizing more than I have wanted to. I didn’t want to be the one to apologise to him. sometimes he can be so smug. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing or thinking I was wrong. I didn’t want to give him the benefit of having something over my head to make him feel superior to me. I didn’t want to be the one to break down first. I wanted him to make amends to me, not the other way around. but it wasn’t to be and I didn’t do it for him. I did it for me. I felt the need to apologise for my benefit not his. I know he will benfit from my apology because it may provide closure but it also provided closure for me and reinforced what Ive learnt over the past few weeks. even though I may not get the apologies I want from him, I wont hesitate to give him the ones he needs. and again, its for my benefit not him. not only do I get a change to take corrective action for the way I behaved but it gives me a chance to feel and fuel changes within myself.
after reading the love languages book, certain things became clear to me. I realized that I cant deliberately or subconsciously punish or hold it against someone if they don’t love me as I want them to. i don’t believe I was ever doing it intentionally but I was doing it and I shouldn’t have been. I also realized that if you really do love someone then you just have to choose to love them and choose to love them even when you don’t feel loved. I mean, eventually you learn to walk away from what doesn’t suit you anymore, but until then you have to let your love for your partner trump your need to make your love and feelings superior to theirs. now don’t get me wrong, it makes no sense to love someone more than you love yourself or love someone who doesn’t love you back. but it really is important to know what makes you feel loved and know what makes your partner feel loved and you have to be willing to provide that even if you aren’t getting it. you both do. you both have to be willing to do it for the other person. one of the biggest problems I had with SS is that I felt that the things he did were more for his benefit than mine. I felt like he wanted to live his own life as an individual and not include me even though he claimed to love me and want me in his life. he says he felt like I didn’t want him but why would I want someone who made me feel excluded and alone? but that’s beside the point. it was challenging to love someone when I didn’t feel loved by them and when I felt like I was tired of fighting for their love and not getting it. anyway … when I realized my mistakes I apologized and freed myself of that burden. I would have loved to have him apologise for the things he has done because he has thought about it and seen the damage to me, but I’m not waiting for it. nor am I apologizing for my wrongs to get it.
anyway, the conversations have been interesting and I’m glad for the opportunity to mend some of the damage that was done. I dont know if anything will come of it and I’m not expecting to come of it, I’m just glad some things are improving between us and that the hatred and anger and pain may actually have a chance to heal
if SS know of all the turmoil in my life right now, I think he would silently (?) gloat to himself that everything is falling apart. I think he would feel vindicated that these bad things are happening to me because of what I did to him. I think he would think that I deserved it or that I somehow attracted it all into myself because of my outlook on life. hmm … he has always thought that I think the worse and that I’m somehow attracting all sorts of shit into my life. and ive in turn always wondered, if that logic doesn’t apply to him too. I mean, what kinda negative vibe does he give off to be attracting people that are so bad for him?
anyway, this isn’t about him. this post is actually about how shitty ive been feeling recently. today makes 3 weeks since my car has been at the dealership. the gearbox is shot to shit and is being replaced but its taking some time. and it will take at least a further 3 weeks to get it back. until then I am without a ride while I continue to pay my car loan. my freedom to move is severely restricted.
I have to leave my apartment because it was sold. I havent found a new place as yet. they places are either sub-par or too expensive. and I don’t want to be paying too much for a place and limit my ability to save up to buy a place of my own. I’m now considering living with my mother again and god knows I don’t want to. it may mean having to living with my brother again if/whenever he is not in jail/prison. if I do though it presents an opportunity to save by means of sharing expenses but it also is another way by which my freedom is restricted because I now become the default babysitter for my nephew.
another, more emotionally taxing thing I worry about is whenever SS decides to come get the rest of his stuff. its not a lot of things but they are his things. I wish he had taken them all at once so that now I wouldn’t be in limbo but so be it. it seems that one of always has to suffer for the other to have peace and that’s such a shame. for me to have had peace, SS would have needed to move out the night of the fight or at the very latest, taken all his things the next day when he came for his stuff. if he took his things the night of the fight he would be severely inconvenienced and have suffered through quite a bit but at least I would have been ok. he said he feels like he needs the distance from me so he isn’t really rushing to come get his things until hes in a better frame of mind I guess. and while that may make him feel better, it leaves me suffering because I’m constantly wondering if and when he will come by. I keep wondering if this delay is a ploy to an avenue to reconcile but after last night’s stinger I doubt it.
right now I feel like more things are going wrong than right. but I’m doing my best to keep my head above water. I’m trying not to allow myself to depend of alcohol and sleeping pills to get through the night. I’m trying not to seek love and comfort in the wrong ways and wrong places. I’m trying to hold my emotions together and not be a blubbering mess all the time. I’m trying to just keep myself in one piece. and so far my son is ok so I’m ok with that. and I’m surprised that work is actually going well but I’m happy about that. it feels like I finally fit somewhere with work so that’s a plus.
my thoughts have been very pre-occupied with SS since he sent his last email. i feel a lot of things that i cant quite name. i am very bothered by a lot of the things he said in his email and they have left me feeling quite sad and hurt. i feel that he has been unfair in many of his assertions. I feel he has been very one-sided as well. if i was to judge him by the same standards he has set for me then our relationship would have disintegrated quite some time ago, i think.
“While it’s lovely to share words, actions speak much louder than they ever could and it’s what I used to evaluate how you really feel about me. Perhaps you should take some time and reflect on your actions and maybe then you will begin to see why I feel the way I do.”
i lifted those two sentences from the email he sent to me. I suppose actions do speak louder than words. Its what we have all been trained to think and believe. However, it seems to me that many of us miss, that like words, actions can be open to interpretation. Look at the act of opening the car door for someone, for example. A man might open an car door for a woman and neither of them think anything of it. Both could see it as a simple act of courtesy. Alternatively, the man could see it as going out of his way for the woman and the woman could agree with this line of thinking and see the man’s act as special and meaningful. The woman could see it as an obligation on the part of the man and be disappointed if he doesnt do it. And the man could just be doing it as a part of a routine and add no importance or meaning to the act. I say all of that to say that, I too could have judged his feelings for me predominantly by his actions and in that case we might not really have got anywhere. I hated that he didnt help out more around the house. I felt like i was being overburdened and over-worked. I felt that our duties werent equally shared. However, as much as i felt that way, I didnt take his helping out to mean he didnt love me or that he didnt appreciate me though id be lying if i said it didnt feel that way. There were various reasons why he couldnt or didnt help out as much as he could have or as much as i would have liked, and I accepted his reasons for this as they were given. I hated that he would come in late and then sleep away the day and leave all the chores on my, but i had to accept that it was because of his unusual sleep pattern or work schedule. Should i have thought less of him for not waking up to help with chores? Should i have thought less of him for not making more of an effort to do something that was important to me? and funny enough its not that he didnt know i wasnt a fan of the late sleeping and he was well aware that i needed help around the apartment, but still no real change was made. should i have then judged him by his actions and not his words? let’s think of those times when he couldnt sleep and left the apartment without saying anything. should i have not taken him at his word that he forgot? or should i look at his actions and determine by them that he didnt care? i mean, he was well aware that i wasnt a fan of him leaving in the night and we came to an agreement about what to do if he felt the need to leave. how then should i interpret him not sticking to the arrangement?
What should i think of his actions when he changes plans without including or consulting me? how should i interpret him throwing something at me? what should i think of his actions when he walks out of the apartment because i wouldnt have sex with him? what should i think of his actions when he expresses his discomfort about having the abortion performed by someone who knows him and also when he opted to talk to a friend instead of me about his feelings regarding that situation? What should i think of his flirting online when he knows i dont like it? what should i think of the hours he spent outside on the stairs smoking and watching videos when i wanted his attention and company? what should i think of the times i got in from work and no chores were done and no dinner was made, even though he was home all day? what should i think of all the times he went out with his friends without giving me any real notice or without inviting me? what was i to think of him not repairing the damage to my vehicle? what was i to think of him not telling me about getting paid etc, and doing more financially after being employed? most, if not all, these things were brought up to him as bothersome to me. and more often than not what i got was an explanation as to why it happened but no real change to ensure there was no repeat of the matter. this resulted in me usually having to hug up my feelings and kinda just accept that this was how things would work. and it wasnt because he didnt love me or care for me, even though i might have felt that way, but because it was just how he was and no ill-intent was meant by it as evidenced by his words.
what was i to do on all the occasions that his actions didnt match up with things that would make me feel loved and cared for? should i have used that as the primary judge of his feelings? should i have judged his feelings for me by the way in which he told me that he was choosing to be with someone else? should i have used it to judge him then? and should i still use it to judge him now? hmm, it wouldnt be fair of me to do so but i guess its ok for him to do it. i guess its ok for him to utilise this “actions speak louder than words” narrative when it suits his perspective. but i dont believe those rules apply to me. ive wondered to myself many times if he ever stopped to think of the impact of his actions on me and how they made me feel. but if im to be honest, the conversation in my head usually ended with him telling me that its just the way he is and he doesnt mean anything by it and that i somehow should have known he loved me. and then im left wondering how i should know if at the end of it all the actions he displayed meant something different to me than they did to him?
im pretty sure i could say that he was just present. often times he would actually say that he wouldnt be present if he didnt feel a particular way. and also that i should know how he feels because why else would he be there? Maybe i didnt deserve actions that to back up those feelings and maybe him being present was to be sufficient for me. that seems a tad one-sided but who am i to complain? who am i to feel hurt by it? who am i to disappointed that i didnt get it? i am very put off by the things he has said and the approach he has chosen to use but i guess he is just doing whats best for him and thats ok. unfortunately what it does is that it makes it easy for me to feel validated by my decision. It makes it just a little bit easier to feel relieved that its over. it makes the heartache and pain i feel, hurt just a little bit less.
i have been feeling very distracted these last few days. my mind has been preoccupied with why i havent heard from SS. i thought he would have responded to my email but i guess i was wrong. i hoped he would have said something. i was hoping for closure but its not to be. and i have to make my peace with that. at the time of the fight i wanted things to end and even now as i rethink that because i miss him, i suppose i hoped we could work things out somehow. but again its not to happen.
i did a twitter search for his screen name and i realised that people have been interacting with him recently. i am somewhat relieved as i now know he is alive and maybe well. but again i was thinking that he would have responded to my email. even more than that i thought i would have heard from him regarding getting his things. i look forward to the day when i dont have to think about or deal with this. i feel like im in limbo a little bit because i dont know if i will hear from him regarding the email or his stuff. and then my mind wonders if when we do talk if things will be stirred up or if we will re-kindle.
i shouldnt think about this. i shouldnt hold out hope that things can or could have been better. i dont know whhy im doing it but i need to find a way to stop it because its not the best use of my energy. im deeply sorry that things ended like this. i had a lot of hope for what we could have been. i wanted him to love me and choose me and hear me. but it wasnt to be. now that i realise that he is ok and is choosing to not reach out, i will remind myself of that and of all the things i wanted to get away from and hopefully that will help me move on.