trouble with my kid

I really do love my kid and I think I do my best for him, but I think I am missing something. my kid is doing all sorts of things that I just don’t understand. today he hit the lady who takes care of him in her face because she wouldn’t let him have gummy bears like he wanted. He was even putting dirt in the laundry as she washed the clothes. I’m at a loss as to what to do about things like this.

I’ve spoken to him many times. He’s even been spanked. I’ve taken away his privileges. like I said I’m not sure what to do anymore. I’m truly at a loss as to what to do to curb these behaviours. I’m not sure if I should be worried about if these are things are behaviours he will hold on to as a teen/adult, or if its something he will grow out of. I’m hoping he will grow out of it. At this point I’m starting to wonder if his living arrangements need to be changed. maybe he needs to start living with me again. that way he will be spending more time with a parent when compared to what exists now.

I’m gonna do some research and see what strategies I can come up with because lord knows I don’t wanna be beating my kid like hes a drum. I want him to start thinking and reasoning things through and being aware of the consequences of his actions. I don’t want him to grow up to me an entitled asshole who had life too easy and thinks he can do as he pleases sans consequences.

interesting turn of events

for the past week or so SS and I have been chatting via WhatsApp. I mistakenly sent him a message while looking at his profile once and since then WhatsApp has become our main mode of communication. notice again that we are communicating. now this makes me extremely happy because I feel pleased that he doesn’t hate me. but I don’t know what to expect from this.

it is weird for me to talk to him. it feels normal but I know its not. it feels like we are friends but I don’t really know if we are friends. there is so much that we have to work through. well let me speak for myself, there is a lot that I have to work through. this is very strange for me. I don’t know how he is doing this but its hard for me. I find myself waiting on his messages. I find myself wondering about what he’s doing and how he is. I feel like I am falling back into a routine of wanting him and having my thoughts revolve around him.

I want to heal. I want to move on. I want to be loved and I would have loved if he could have loved me as I wanted and needed it while we were together. I want to believe that he didn’t cheat on me. I want to be able to trust him. I want to believe that he has my best interest at heart and I’m honestly not sure of that despite what he says. I want him to see how he hurt me. I want him to see the error of his ways. I want him to apologize for hurting me. I want him to understand his role in all this and I don’t think he does. I have apologized to him but he hasn’t apologized to me. maybe he doesn’t think he has to and that bothers me.

a few nights ago, I was unable to sleep so we were talking and he said he wished he was here with me. I mentioned that at that hour he would have been out on his walk and it annoyed me to have him say that. I mean I would have still been here by myself. he says he would have stayed if I was restless and wake but how would he have known? if he goes out on the road in the middle of the night all the time, then how can he know when I’m in need of certain things? its hard because I end up missing him and I know we can make it through somethings but when we miss each other as we do now, you tend to forget the bad stuff. you tend to not remember all the stuff that hurt. and that’s what that convo reminds me of.

I’m not sure what will happen but it seems we will continue this chitter chatter. I don’t know where it will lead but its bittersweet

farewell grandpa

tomorrow is my grandfather’s funeral and I’m not enthused about going. its a funeral so I know its nothing to be happy about but theres more to it than it being a sad occasion. my grandfather wasn’t a good parent. he wasn’t a present parent. he had 5 children with my grandmother but barely took care of any of them. He knew his children and they knew him but that was it. there was no real bond. there was no real connection. there was no support, financial or emotional or otherwise. and now he has passed away and his children are left to send him off. I am proud of my mother and her siblings for not abandoning him. If I’m not mistaken all his grandchildren knew/met him and even some of his great-grandchildren. His children provided him with clothes and shoes while he lived with other relatives that he was close with. his children even offered to pay for a nurse to care for him when he got old and sickly but he was eventually put into a home by his cousin whom he lived with.

as we prepare for the final send off tomorrow, I do not look forward to the family gathering. the family is broken by this and its clear. my grandmother was very hurt by this man who fathered all of her 5 children but never cared for her or them. my mom and her siblings never grew up with a father. they never had his love or guidance. 2 of 3 of my grandmother’s daughters were in abusive relationships and none of them really have any great romantic relationships that ive seen and I cant help but wonder, if its because they never had a good male role model in their home.

4 of 5 siblings will be at the funeral tomorrow and I will be glad when its over because though things like thins should bring people closer together, I think its creating some amount of divisiveness. my aunt doesn’t want to contribute and she doesn’t want things done a certain way and is busy bossing everyone around, while everyone else is just trying to be respectful and make the funeral a decent one. I will be glad when the day is over but I am truly sorry for what my mom and aunts and uncles are experiencing. can you imagine having to write a eulogy for someone you don’t even know but is you parent? can you imagine realizing and accepting that others know him better than you do? can you imagine all the unresolved hatred and bitterness that they may harbor for him? can you imagine the family history that was never shared and is now lost? can you imagine feeling responsible to deal with this funeral but also not wanting to be a part of it because you don’t know the man?

its all very weird to me and I am glad I a wont ever be in a position like this. Ive already lost my dad and if/when my mom passes away, it will be a real loss to me. I don’t want to think about that because I’m not prepared to deal with that. but I know it will be different than what she is going through now. I know the responsibility will fall on me if/when she passes and so far I’m relatively prepared financially. I have insurance for her as does her company. I know her siblings will step in to assist with planning, again because they have a connection. I never really considered how funerals get done for people who make no real connection to the world that’s left behind. and its painful to watch.

painful blunder

so I was on whatapp web and had SS’s chat window open. I had no intention of speaking to him. sometimes I just like to open the chat window and look at it. anyway, a message come in from someone else and I went to the WhatsApp window and type in a response and accidently sent it to SS. I was mortified. I wasn’t sure if I should apologise immediately nor was I sure what to say so I said nothing at first. I saw that he read it and I kinda hoped he would ignore it and spare me the embarrassment of knowing he saw my mistake.

anyway, as luck would have it, he decided to respond and simply asked “wrong convo?”, to which I said “yes. I’m sorry”. he came back with “yea. we both are”. hmm, while limited in words it stung quite a bit. he could have just said ok or something. I suppose at this point, almost 10 weeks after our break-up, I would have preferred a less stinging response. but its not for me to decide or dictate how he feels or reacts. it would seem his anger and/or pain hasn’t subsided and I suppose I realise now that his position towards me may never soften. that bothers me for multiple reasons: 1) I don’t think he has the right to be as mad/hurt as he has, not with what he has done to me and 2) I hoped his stance would have softened after some introspection. but again that’s all me and has nothing to do with him. he is entitled to feel whatever he does … as am I.

after reading the 4 lined convo a few times, I was about to breakdown crying but I stopped myself. I felt like crying because it was a reminder of what was lost. it was a reminder of what will never be. it was a reminder of the guilt I feel even though I was wronged. it was a reminder of how little things had really changed. and it was an in-needed reminder of how bad things really were and that maybe this end wasn’t such a bad thing. I miss him everyday and I feel guilty everyday but I have yet to feel relief every day. some days I’m glad its over because I don’t want to ever relive the experience of the bad stuff. but there are other days where I am immensely sad that things have ended and that it seems he hasn’t learned or changed much over the past 10 weeks. I am immensely said that I feel bad for hurting him now that I realise the impact of the underlying challenges that we had.

*sigh* anyway, I suppose in the grand scheme of things this is just one of those things you go through after a break-up. we will each be subject to our own feelings and we will both deal with things differently. either way, its not easy. I hope that eventually it will become easier and that one day I will be over it all.

Here’s to 2017

I don’t have the energy or wherewithal to do a recap of 2016, but if I was to give it a grade of some sort I would say it was a solid C (average). There were some good times and some not so good times. I feel like I should now be making some sort of commitment to myself to be and do better over the course of the next 12 months, but im truly not in the frame of mind for it. I do not feel hopeful or optimistic. I do not feel a sense of renewal nor am I bursting with the prospect of new possibilities. I just feel very blah.

And I know exactly why that is. It is because I’m in a place where I desperately crave love and have an overwhelming need to be loved but at the same time I dread and detest the idea of being in love and in another relationship. On one hand I want to get married and have a new baby and be with someone who loves and is committed to me whom I can love and enjoy a long companionship with. but then I don’t want the pain and distress that comes along with being misunderstood and brow-beaten and criticized and not being heard. I don’t want to risk another situation such as the one I’ve just exited with SS.

I know I shouldn’t be thinking about him as much as I have been but I cant help it. I miss him and I still love him. I am trying to forgive him but honestly I am mad that he has found something to be mad at me about when I feel that I have more reason to be angry and hurt than him. I know he has a right to feel the things he does but it upsets me because I would prefer if he focused on how he wronged me. he said a whole host of shit to and about me that he hasn’t bother to apologise for. he said I was just there. me. apparently none of what ive done or been through counts for anything. he says I was just there as if he too wasn’t just there. Him, who would be asleep through most of my awake hours. him, who had mostly stopped helping out around the house. sometimes I struggle to find a benefit to being with him. theres no polite way to say something like that so I didn’t. but I kept trying and tried to be supportive when he needed it. I tried to work with his need to wander off in the night. I tried to work with all the things he needed to do to feel comfortable even when he didn’t hold up his end of the deal. he says I didn’t try and I think that was such an unfair thing to say. this man, who said he doesn’t know when he hurt me and that he doesn’t know how to celebrate me. he says that and doesn’t think I would be affected. he says that and it shows in his actions but I must be ready to jump on his dick and be physically affectionate when he wants it. oh lets not forget that I must be all manner of loving to him even though I’m not getting anything from him and allegations of him cheating on my are running while. he doesn’t do much to show me he loves me in the ways that I would prefer but I’m supposed to do so.

*sigh* I know I should be focused on my own feelings but I’m really quite mad and hurt and disappointed that hes found time to be mad at me but cant see what he did wrong. I would stupidly, against all my best judgement go back begging and pleading for his forgiveness of my wrongdoings if he would for once, acknowledge his. I cant do it because I know if I go back and beg for him to reconcile things with me, we would be perpetually focused on me and not on him and how he messed up and how that contributed to the distance between us and our eventual deterioration and demise.

I am trying to not think about him. I really am but its not working. I’m dying for him to come get his things so that I can start trying to block things out and move on. I’m hoping that as soon as he gets his things then I can start moving on. I keep wondering if and when we will see each other and how that will go. I keep wondering if whenever we do see each other again if we can find a middle ground and work things out. I don’t know why I am worried about that. I suppose its because I still have feelings for him and hope that he feels the same and would be willing to fight for my love. but I know that’s stupid because not only should i not worry about what he thinks but also I should wanted to be back in a situation where I don’t feel like I gain anything from the union.

I feel so tormented and hurt and bothered by this whole mess and I know one day I wont feel quite as strongly about it and I look forward to that day with bated breath. but until the I feel so many conflicting things and overall I’m left feeling immensely sad. sometimes I cant think of anything else. sometimes I find it hard to function and focus and sleep. I find it hard to be happy when I have lost so much. I find it hard to think of ever being in a relationship again despite how much I want it. and its all made worse when today, my phone called him by accident and he returned the call and we had this awkward 30 second conversation that ended as abruptly as ever. it was good to hear his voice and id be lying if I didn’t say I was surprised that he actually called back. I wonder if I should take it as a sign to try to straighten things out. I wont though. I will just try not to drown in my sorrows.

heres to finding suitable distractions to make it through the year. and I don’t mean find someone new to fill his place because I know that wont help. ive been on a date or 2 since SS and I broke up and it didn’t make me feel any better or anymore hopeful at potential prospects.