trouble with my kid

I really do love my kid and I think I do my best for him, but I think I am missing something. my kid is doing all sorts of things that I just don’t understand. today he hit the lady who takes care of him in her face because she wouldn’t let him have gummy bears like he wanted. He was even putting dirt in the laundry as she washed the clothes. I’m at a loss as to what to do about things like this.

I’ve spoken to him many times. He’s even been spanked. I’ve taken away his privileges. like I said I’m not sure what to do anymore. I’m truly at a loss as to what to do to curb these behaviours. I’m not sure if I should be worried about if these are things are behaviours he will hold on to as a teen/adult, or if its something he will grow out of. I’m hoping he will grow out of it. At this point I’m starting to wonder if his living arrangements need to be changed. maybe he needs to start living with me again. that way he will be spending more time with a parent when compared to what exists now.

I’m gonna do some research and see what strategies I can come up with because lord knows I don’t wanna be beating my kid like hes a drum. I want him to start thinking and reasoning things through and being aware of the consequences of his actions. I don’t want him to grow up to me an entitled asshole who had life too easy and thinks he can do as he pleases sans consequences.

romantic love?

if romantic love is a relatively recent development, why do we sneer at those who don’t subscribe to the “rules” of romantic love? if marriages were predominantly for economic value and transfer/maintenance of power, why do we look down on folks who marry for money? maybe they have it figured out and not those of us who go about doing things for love

interesting

a lot of change can take place in a little bit of time, while so much time can pass and it would seem as if nothing at all has changed. SS have been talking to each other relatively consistently over the past 2 weeks. ever since I mentioned to him that my grandfather passed away, he has been very open to talking with me. the conversations have been as varied as anything I can imagine but I will say they haven’t been bad.

the last few weeks have been interesting to say the least. I have missed this man for quite some time. I have wondered about he feels and I have stressed about his reactions towards me. and if I’m to be honest, a lot of what I feel about his words and actions still remain. I’m still quite hurt by a lot of the things he did and said but I’m slowly moving past it. and not because of anything he has done. because he hasn’t really done anything. he has apologized for some things but nothing near as specific as I would have like. but I’m not too bothered by that. maybe he doesn’t know what to apologise for. I suppose he really doesn’t. but you know I find that truly hard to believe. I think that with much introspection and self-assessment you should be able to recognize when you’ve hurt someone. I don’t think you always need to be told what you’ve done wrong. I think we are all capable of realizing when we made a mistake and unfortunately I haven’t see that here. I haven’t seen him apologise on his own for what he has done. I haven’t seen him apologise based on what he perceives might have been something he did wrong. and that would mean a lot to me. that would mean he has learnt something and is doing well to repair it. to his credit though he has been apologizing each time I point out something that bothered me.

I, surprisingly, have found myself apologizing more than I have wanted to. I didn’t want to be the one to apologise to him. sometimes he can be so smug. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing or thinking I was wrong. I didn’t want to give him the benefit of having something over my head to make him feel superior to me. I didn’t want to be the one to break down first. I wanted him to make amends to me, not the other way around. but it wasn’t to be and I didn’t do it for him. I did it for me. I felt the need to apologise for my benefit not his. I know he will benfit from my apology because it may provide closure but it also provided closure for me and reinforced what Ive learnt over the past few weeks. even though I may not get the apologies I want from him, I wont hesitate to give him the ones he needs. and again, its for my benefit not him. not only do I get a change to take corrective action for the way I behaved but it gives me a chance to feel and fuel changes within myself.

after reading the love languages book, certain things became clear to me. I realized that I cant deliberately or subconsciously punish or hold it against someone if they don’t love me as I want them to. i don’t believe I was ever doing it intentionally but I was doing it and I shouldn’t have been. I also realized that if you really do love someone then you just have to choose to love them and choose to love them even when you don’t feel loved. I mean, eventually you learn to walk away from what doesn’t suit you anymore, but until then you have to let your love for your partner trump your need to make your love and feelings superior to theirs. now don’t get me wrong, it makes no sense to love someone more than you love yourself or love someone who doesn’t love you back. but it really is important to know what makes you feel loved and know what makes your partner feel loved and you have to be willing to provide that even if you aren’t getting it. you both do. you both have to be willing to do it for the other person. one of the biggest problems I had with SS is that I felt that the things he did were more for his benefit than mine. I felt like he wanted to live his own life as an individual and not include me even though he claimed to love me and want me in his life. he says he felt like I didn’t want him but why would I want someone who made me feel excluded and alone? but that’s beside the point. it was challenging to love someone when I didn’t feel loved by them and when I felt like I was tired of fighting for their love and not getting it. anyway … when I realized my mistakes I apologized and freed myself of that burden. I would have loved to have him apologise for the things he has done because he has thought about it and seen the damage to me, but I’m not waiting for it. nor am I apologizing for my wrongs to get it.

anyway, the conversations have been interesting and I’m glad for the opportunity to mend some of the damage that was done. I dont know if anything will come of it and I’m not expecting to come of it, I’m just glad some things are improving between us and that the hatred and anger and pain may actually have a chance to heal

interesting turn of events

for the past week or so SS and I have been chatting via WhatsApp. I mistakenly sent him a message while looking at his profile once and since then WhatsApp has become our main mode of communication. notice again that we are communicating. now this makes me extremely happy because I feel pleased that he doesn’t hate me. but I don’t know what to expect from this.

it is weird for me to talk to him. it feels normal but I know its not. it feels like we are friends but I don’t really know if we are friends. there is so much that we have to work through. well let me speak for myself, there is a lot that I have to work through. this is very strange for me. I don’t know how he is doing this but its hard for me. I find myself waiting on his messages. I find myself wondering about what he’s doing and how he is. I feel like I am falling back into a routine of wanting him and having my thoughts revolve around him.

I want to heal. I want to move on. I want to be loved and I would have loved if he could have loved me as I wanted and needed it while we were together. I want to believe that he didn’t cheat on me. I want to be able to trust him. I want to believe that he has my best interest at heart and I’m honestly not sure of that despite what he says. I want him to see how he hurt me. I want him to see the error of his ways. I want him to apologize for hurting me. I want him to understand his role in all this and I don’t think he does. I have apologized to him but he hasn’t apologized to me. maybe he doesn’t think he has to and that bothers me.

a few nights ago, I was unable to sleep so we were talking and he said he wished he was here with me. I mentioned that at that hour he would have been out on his walk and it annoyed me to have him say that. I mean I would have still been here by myself. he says he would have stayed if I was restless and wake but how would he have known? if he goes out on the road in the middle of the night all the time, then how can he know when I’m in need of certain things? its hard because I end up missing him and I know we can make it through somethings but when we miss each other as we do now, you tend to forget the bad stuff. you tend to not remember all the stuff that hurt. and that’s what that convo reminds me of.

I’m not sure what will happen but it seems we will continue this chitter chatter. I don’t know where it will lead but its bittersweet

farewell grandpa

tomorrow is my grandfather’s funeral and I’m not enthused about going. its a funeral so I know its nothing to be happy about but theres more to it than it being a sad occasion. my grandfather wasn’t a good parent. he wasn’t a present parent. he had 5 children with my grandmother but barely took care of any of them. He knew his children and they knew him but that was it. there was no real bond. there was no real connection. there was no support, financial or emotional or otherwise. and now he has passed away and his children are left to send him off. I am proud of my mother and her siblings for not abandoning him. If I’m not mistaken all his grandchildren knew/met him and even some of his great-grandchildren. His children provided him with clothes and shoes while he lived with other relatives that he was close with. his children even offered to pay for a nurse to care for him when he got old and sickly but he was eventually put into a home by his cousin whom he lived with.

as we prepare for the final send off tomorrow, I do not look forward to the family gathering. the family is broken by this and its clear. my grandmother was very hurt by this man who fathered all of her 5 children but never cared for her or them. my mom and her siblings never grew up with a father. they never had his love or guidance. 2 of 3 of my grandmother’s daughters were in abusive relationships and none of them really have any great romantic relationships that ive seen and I cant help but wonder, if its because they never had a good male role model in their home.

4 of 5 siblings will be at the funeral tomorrow and I will be glad when its over because though things like thins should bring people closer together, I think its creating some amount of divisiveness. my aunt doesn’t want to contribute and she doesn’t want things done a certain way and is busy bossing everyone around, while everyone else is just trying to be respectful and make the funeral a decent one. I will be glad when the day is over but I am truly sorry for what my mom and aunts and uncles are experiencing. can you imagine having to write a eulogy for someone you don’t even know but is you parent? can you imagine realizing and accepting that others know him better than you do? can you imagine all the unresolved hatred and bitterness that they may harbor for him? can you imagine the family history that was never shared and is now lost? can you imagine feeling responsible to deal with this funeral but also not wanting to be a part of it because you don’t know the man?

its all very weird to me and I am glad I a wont ever be in a position like this. Ive already lost my dad and if/when my mom passes away, it will be a real loss to me. I don’t want to think about that because I’m not prepared to deal with that. but I know it will be different than what she is going through now. I know the responsibility will fall on me if/when she passes and so far I’m relatively prepared financially. I have insurance for her as does her company. I know her siblings will step in to assist with planning, again because they have a connection. I never really considered how funerals get done for people who make no real connection to the world that’s left behind. and its painful to watch.