a lot of change can take place in a little bit of time, while so much time can pass and it would seem as if nothing at all has changed. SS have been talking to each other relatively consistently over the past 2 weeks. ever since I mentioned to him that my grandfather passed away, he has been very open to talking with me. the conversations have been as varied as anything I can imagine but I will say they haven’t been bad.
the last few weeks have been interesting to say the least. I have missed this man for quite some time. I have wondered about he feels and I have stressed about his reactions towards me. and if I’m to be honest, a lot of what I feel about his words and actions still remain. I’m still quite hurt by a lot of the things he did and said but I’m slowly moving past it. and not because of anything he has done. because he hasn’t really done anything. he has apologized for some things but nothing near as specific as I would have like. but I’m not too bothered by that. maybe he doesn’t know what to apologise for. I suppose he really doesn’t. but you know I find that truly hard to believe. I think that with much introspection and self-assessment you should be able to recognize when you’ve hurt someone. I don’t think you always need to be told what you’ve done wrong. I think we are all capable of realizing when we made a mistake and unfortunately I haven’t see that here. I haven’t seen him apologise on his own for what he has done. I haven’t seen him apologise based on what he perceives might have been something he did wrong. and that would mean a lot to me. that would mean he has learnt something and is doing well to repair it. to his credit though he has been apologizing each time I point out something that bothered me.
I, surprisingly, have found myself apologizing more than I have wanted to. I didn’t want to be the one to apologise to him. sometimes he can be so smug. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing or thinking I was wrong. I didn’t want to give him the benefit of having something over my head to make him feel superior to me. I didn’t want to be the one to break down first. I wanted him to make amends to me, not the other way around. but it wasn’t to be and I didn’t do it for him. I did it for me. I felt the need to apologise for my benefit not his. I know he will benfit from my apology because it may provide closure but it also provided closure for me and reinforced what Ive learnt over the past few weeks. even though I may not get the apologies I want from him, I wont hesitate to give him the ones he needs. and again, its for my benefit not him. not only do I get a change to take corrective action for the way I behaved but it gives me a chance to feel and fuel changes within myself.
after reading the love languages book, certain things became clear to me. I realized that I cant deliberately or subconsciously punish or hold it against someone if they don’t love me as I want them to. i don’t believe I was ever doing it intentionally but I was doing it and I shouldn’t have been. I also realized that if you really do love someone then you just have to choose to love them and choose to love them even when you don’t feel loved. I mean, eventually you learn to walk away from what doesn’t suit you anymore, but until then you have to let your love for your partner trump your need to make your love and feelings superior to theirs. now don’t get me wrong, it makes no sense to love someone more than you love yourself or love someone who doesn’t love you back. but it really is important to know what makes you feel loved and know what makes your partner feel loved and you have to be willing to provide that even if you aren’t getting it. you both do. you both have to be willing to do it for the other person. one of the biggest problems I had with SS is that I felt that the things he did were more for his benefit than mine. I felt like he wanted to live his own life as an individual and not include me even though he claimed to love me and want me in his life. he says he felt like I didn’t want him but why would I want someone who made me feel excluded and alone? but that’s beside the point. it was challenging to love someone when I didn’t feel loved by them and when I felt like I was tired of fighting for their love and not getting it. anyway … when I realized my mistakes I apologized and freed myself of that burden. I would have loved to have him apologise for the things he has done because he has thought about it and seen the damage to me, but I’m not waiting for it. nor am I apologizing for my wrongs to get it.
anyway, the conversations have been interesting and I’m glad for the opportunity to mend some of the damage that was done. I dont know if anything will come of it and I’m not expecting to come of it, I’m just glad some things are improving between us and that the hatred and anger and pain may actually have a chance to heal