for the past week or so SS and I have been chatting via WhatsApp. I mistakenly sent him a message while looking at his profile once and since then WhatsApp has become our main mode of communication. notice again that we are communicating. now this makes me extremely happy because I feel pleased that he doesn’t hate me. but I don’t know what to expect from this.
it is weird for me to talk to him. it feels normal but I know its not. it feels like we are friends but I don’t really know if we are friends. there is so much that we have to work through. well let me speak for myself, there is a lot that I have to work through. this is very strange for me. I don’t know how he is doing this but its hard for me. I find myself waiting on his messages. I find myself wondering about what he’s doing and how he is. I feel like I am falling back into a routine of wanting him and having my thoughts revolve around him.
I want to heal. I want to move on. I want to be loved and I would have loved if he could have loved me as I wanted and needed it while we were together. I want to believe that he didn’t cheat on me. I want to be able to trust him. I want to believe that he has my best interest at heart and I’m honestly not sure of that despite what he says. I want him to see how he hurt me. I want him to see the error of his ways. I want him to apologize for hurting me. I want him to understand his role in all this and I don’t think he does. I have apologized to him but he hasn’t apologized to me. maybe he doesn’t think he has to and that bothers me.
a few nights ago, I was unable to sleep so we were talking and he said he wished he was here with me. I mentioned that at that hour he would have been out on his walk and it annoyed me to have him say that. I mean I would have still been here by myself. he says he would have stayed if I was restless and wake but how would he have known? if he goes out on the road in the middle of the night all the time, then how can he know when I’m in need of certain things? its hard because I end up missing him and I know we can make it through somethings but when we miss each other as we do now, you tend to forget the bad stuff. you tend to not remember all the stuff that hurt. and that’s what that convo reminds me of.
I’m not sure what will happen but it seems we will continue this chitter chatter. I don’t know where it will lead but its bittersweet