farewell grandpa

tomorrow is my grandfather’s funeral and I’m not enthused about going. its a funeral so I know its nothing to be happy about but theres more to it than it being a sad occasion. my grandfather wasn’t a good parent. he wasn’t a present parent. he had 5 children with my grandmother but barely took care of any of them. He knew his children and they knew him but that was it. there was no real bond. there was no real connection. there was no support, financial or emotional or otherwise. and now he has passed away and his children are left to send him off. I am proud of my mother and her siblings for not abandoning him. If I’m not mistaken all his grandchildren knew/met him and even some of his great-grandchildren. His children provided him with clothes and shoes while he lived with other relatives that he was close with. his children even offered to pay for a nurse to care for him when he got old and sickly but he was eventually put into a home by his cousin whom he lived with.

as we prepare for the final send off tomorrow, I do not look forward to the family gathering. the family is broken by this and its clear. my grandmother was very hurt by this man who fathered all of her 5 children but never cared for her or them. my mom and her siblings never grew up with a father. they never had his love or guidance. 2 of 3 of my grandmother’s daughters were in abusive relationships and none of them really have any great romantic relationships that ive seen and I cant help but wonder, if its because they never had a good male role model in their home.

4 of 5 siblings will be at the funeral tomorrow and I will be glad when its over because though things like thins should bring people closer together, I think its creating some amount of divisiveness. my aunt doesn’t want to contribute and she doesn’t want things done a certain way and is busy bossing everyone around, while everyone else is just trying to be respectful and make the funeral a decent one. I will be glad when the day is over but I am truly sorry for what my mom and aunts and uncles are experiencing. can you imagine having to write a eulogy for someone you don’t even know but is you parent? can you imagine realizing and accepting that others know him better than you do? can you imagine all the unresolved hatred and bitterness that they may harbor for him? can you imagine the family history that was never shared and is now lost? can you imagine feeling responsible to deal with this funeral but also not wanting to be a part of it because you don’t know the man?

its all very weird to me and I am glad I a wont ever be in a position like this. Ive already lost my dad and if/when my mom passes away, it will be a real loss to me. I don’t want to think about that because I’m not prepared to deal with that. but I know it will be different than what she is going through now. I know the responsibility will fall on me if/when she passes and so far I’m relatively prepared financially. I have insurance for her as does her company. I know her siblings will step in to assist with planning, again because they have a connection. I never really considered how funerals get done for people who make no real connection to the world that’s left behind. and its painful to watch.

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