a mess

if SS know of all the turmoil in my life right now, I think he would silently (?) gloat to himself that everything is falling apart. I think he would feel vindicated that these bad things are happening to me because of what I did to him. I think he would think that I deserved it or that I somehow attracted it all into myself because of my outlook on life. hmm … he has always thought that I think the worse and that I’m somehow attracting all sorts of shit into my life. and ive in turn always wondered, if that logic doesn’t apply to him too. I mean, what kinda negative vibe does he give off to be attracting people that are so bad for him?

anyway, this isn’t about him. this post is actually about how shitty ive been feeling recently. today makes 3 weeks since my car has been at the dealership. the gearbox is shot to shit and is being replaced but its taking some time. and it will take at least a further 3 weeks to get it back. until then I am without a ride while I continue to pay my car loan. my freedom to move is severely restricted.

I have to leave my apartment because it was sold. I havent found a new place as yet. they places are either sub-par or too expensive. and I don’t want to be paying too much for a place and limit my ability to save up to buy a place of my own. I’m now considering living with my mother again and god knows I don’t want to. it may mean having to living with my brother again if/whenever he is not in jail/prison. if I do though it presents an opportunity to save by means of sharing expenses but it also is another way by which my freedom is restricted because I now become the default babysitter for my nephew.

another, more emotionally taxing thing I worry about is whenever SS decides to come get the rest of his stuff. its not a lot of things but they are his things. I wish he had taken them all at once so that now I wouldn’t be in limbo but so be it. it seems that one of always has to suffer for the other to have peace and that’s such a shame. for me to have had peace, SS would have needed to move out the night of the fight or at the very latest, taken all his things the next day when he came for his stuff. if he took his things the night of the fight he would be severely inconvenienced and have suffered through quite a bit but at least I would have been ok. he said he feels like he needs the distance from me so he isn’t really rushing to come get his things until hes in a better frame of mind I guess. and while that may make him feel better, it leaves me suffering because I’m constantly wondering if and when he will come by. I keep wondering if this delay is a ploy to an avenue to reconcile but after last night’s stinger I doubt it.

right now I feel like more things are going wrong than right. but I’m doing my best to keep my head above water. I’m trying not to allow myself to depend of alcohol and sleeping pills to get through the night. I’m trying not to seek love and comfort in the wrong ways and wrong places. I’m trying to hold my emotions together and not be a blubbering mess all the time. I’m trying to just keep myself in one piece. and so far my son is ok so I’m ok with that. and I’m surprised that work is actually going well but I’m happy about that. it feels like I finally fit somewhere with work so that’s a plus.

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