painful blunder

so I was on whatapp web and had SS’s chat window open. I had no intention of speaking to him. sometimes I just like to open the chat window and look at it. anyway, a message come in from someone else and I went to the WhatsApp window and type in a response and accidently sent it to SS. I was mortified. I wasn’t sure if I should apologise immediately nor was I sure what to say so I said nothing at first. I saw that he read it and I kinda hoped he would ignore it and spare me the embarrassment of knowing he saw my mistake.

anyway, as luck would have it, he decided to respond and simply asked “wrong convo?”, to which I said “yes. I’m sorry”. he came back with “yea. we both are”. hmm, while limited in words it stung quite a bit. he could have just said ok or something. I suppose at this point, almost 10 weeks after our break-up, I would have preferred a less stinging response. but its not for me to decide or dictate how he feels or reacts. it would seem his anger and/or pain hasn’t subsided and I suppose I realise now that his position towards me may never soften. that bothers me for multiple reasons: 1) I don’t think he has the right to be as mad/hurt as he has, not with what he has done to me and 2) I hoped his stance would have softened after some introspection. but again that’s all me and has nothing to do with him. he is entitled to feel whatever he does … as am I.

after reading the 4 lined convo a few times, I was about to breakdown crying but I stopped myself. I felt like crying because it was a reminder of what was lost. it was a reminder of what will never be. it was a reminder of the guilt I feel even though I was wronged. it was a reminder of how little things had really changed. and it was an in-needed reminder of how bad things really were and that maybe this end wasn’t such a bad thing. I miss him everyday and I feel guilty everyday but I have yet to feel relief every day. some days I’m glad its over because I don’t want to ever relive the experience of the bad stuff. but there are other days where I am immensely sad that things have ended and that it seems he hasn’t learned or changed much over the past 10 weeks. I am immensely said that I feel bad for hurting him now that I realise the impact of the underlying challenges that we had.

*sigh* anyway, I suppose in the grand scheme of things this is just one of those things you go through after a break-up. we will each be subject to our own feelings and we will both deal with things differently. either way, its not easy. I hope that eventually it will become easier and that one day I will be over it all.

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