I don’t have the energy or wherewithal to do a recap of 2016, but if I was to give it a grade of some sort I would say it was a solid C (average). There were some good times and some not so good times. I feel like I should now be making some sort of commitment to myself to be and do better over the course of the next 12 months, but im truly not in the frame of mind for it. I do not feel hopeful or optimistic. I do not feel a sense of renewal nor am I bursting with the prospect of new possibilities. I just feel very blah.
And I know exactly why that is. It is because I’m in a place where I desperately crave love and have an overwhelming need to be loved but at the same time I dread and detest the idea of being in love and in another relationship. On one hand I want to get married and have a new baby and be with someone who loves and is committed to me whom I can love and enjoy a long companionship with. but then I don’t want the pain and distress that comes along with being misunderstood and brow-beaten and criticized and not being heard. I don’t want to risk another situation such as the one I’ve just exited with SS.
I know I shouldn’t be thinking about him as much as I have been but I cant help it. I miss him and I still love him. I am trying to forgive him but honestly I am mad that he has found something to be mad at me about when I feel that I have more reason to be angry and hurt than him. I know he has a right to feel the things he does but it upsets me because I would prefer if he focused on how he wronged me. he said a whole host of shit to and about me that he hasn’t bother to apologise for. he said I was just there. me. apparently none of what ive done or been through counts for anything. he says I was just there as if he too wasn’t just there. Him, who would be asleep through most of my awake hours. him, who had mostly stopped helping out around the house. sometimes I struggle to find a benefit to being with him. theres no polite way to say something like that so I didn’t. but I kept trying and tried to be supportive when he needed it. I tried to work with his need to wander off in the night. I tried to work with all the things he needed to do to feel comfortable even when he didn’t hold up his end of the deal. he says I didn’t try and I think that was such an unfair thing to say. this man, who said he doesn’t know when he hurt me and that he doesn’t know how to celebrate me. he says that and doesn’t think I would be affected. he says that and it shows in his actions but I must be ready to jump on his dick and be physically affectionate when he wants it. oh lets not forget that I must be all manner of loving to him even though I’m not getting anything from him and allegations of him cheating on my are running while. he doesn’t do much to show me he loves me in the ways that I would prefer but I’m supposed to do so.
*sigh* I know I should be focused on my own feelings but I’m really quite mad and hurt and disappointed that hes found time to be mad at me but cant see what he did wrong. I would stupidly, against all my best judgement go back begging and pleading for his forgiveness of my wrongdoings if he would for once, acknowledge his. I cant do it because I know if I go back and beg for him to reconcile things with me, we would be perpetually focused on me and not on him and how he messed up and how that contributed to the distance between us and our eventual deterioration and demise.
I am trying to not think about him. I really am but its not working. I’m dying for him to come get his things so that I can start trying to block things out and move on. I’m hoping that as soon as he gets his things then I can start moving on. I keep wondering if and when we will see each other and how that will go. I keep wondering if whenever we do see each other again if we can find a middle ground and work things out. I don’t know why I am worried about that. I suppose its because I still have feelings for him and hope that he feels the same and would be willing to fight for my love. but I know that’s stupid because not only should i not worry about what he thinks but also I should wanted to be back in a situation where I don’t feel like I gain anything from the union.
I feel so tormented and hurt and bothered by this whole mess and I know one day I wont feel quite as strongly about it and I look forward to that day with bated breath. but until the I feel so many conflicting things and overall I’m left feeling immensely sad. sometimes I cant think of anything else. sometimes I find it hard to function and focus and sleep. I find it hard to be happy when I have lost so much. I find it hard to think of ever being in a relationship again despite how much I want it. and its all made worse when today, my phone called him by accident and he returned the call and we had this awkward 30 second conversation that ended as abruptly as ever. it was good to hear his voice and id be lying if I didn’t say I was surprised that he actually called back. I wonder if I should take it as a sign to try to straighten things out. I wont though. I will just try not to drown in my sorrows.
heres to finding suitable distractions to make it through the year. and I don’t mean find someone new to fill his place because I know that wont help. ive been on a date or 2 since SS and I broke up and it didn’t make me feel any better or anymore hopeful at potential prospects.