final feelings

I heard from SS earlier this evening. he wanted to make arrangements to come and get the rest of his things. He hasn’t specified a day yet but it should be happening sometime this week as he indicated that he wants both of us to start the new year with clean slates. I was expecting this email and wondering if/when this would happen. Now that it seems to be happening soon, I am saddened by it.

I am sad that it is over. I am sad that its all finally coming to a close. I’m sad that its all really happening. 7 weeks ago, we were together and trying to rebuild our lives together and I seem to have erred when pointing out to him that him changing plans without telling me, affected me. At the time of telling him this I wasn’t angry and I certainly didn’t set out to start a fight, but from the looks of things, it seems I shouldn’t have said anything. Further to that I shouldn’t have brought it up when he came over later that night, I shouldn’t have turned my back to him when I got into bed, I shouldn’t have yelled and I most certainly shouldn’t have called the police when he wouldn’t leave.

so much can happen in 7 weeks … 49 days … many hours and even more minutes, but so it goes. a few weeks ago I read a book about love languages and it opened my eyes to a lot of things. I already knew that people love differently, i.e. what one person considers as a show of love may not mean the same things to another. however, what it seems that I forgot is that love is a choice and its a choice you have to constantly make, even when (maybe especially when), you don’t feel like it. Honestly, I wasn’t thinking about choosing to love him. I found it difficult to do that when I was feeling unloved myself. I suppose its selfish, and selfishness has no place in love, but I was constantly waiting on him to do something to show that he loved me. He has said on many occasions that if he didn’t love, he would be here with me. And I know he was serious when he said it, but it really didn’t mean anything to me when he said it. I didn’t want him to be just there. I wanted more than that. Him living with me wasn’t a sign of love to me because I don’t think people have to live together as a show of love. Plus I didn’t have much faith in him living here as a sign of love because I know he wanted/needed an escape from his mom. I hated when he would say that he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t love me or if he didn’t want to be here, because like I said, it really wasn’t the sign of love I was looking for.

Anyway, like I was saying, I know now that I was wrong for not choosing to show him love in the ways that he needed it. I honestly wasn’t deliberately withholding my affection, but I wasn’t going out of my way to make him feel loved. I was quite caught up and frustrated by my own feelings of not having my needs met, that I truly didn’t realise the impact it was having on him and how it was further adding to my problems with him. how could he love me if he didn’t feel loved? why would he choose to love me if he didn’t feel loved? I really do get it now. I see it from both sides and appreciate what it means. one of us needed to be the “bigger person”. one of us needed to go out of our way for the other. one of us needed to make a bigger effort than we wanted to. one of us needed to swallow our pride and fear and make the changes that the other needed.

God knows I couldn’t have done it. Its mostly because I didn’t realize what was happening. I didn’t realise how closed off I was getting. I didn’t realize the distance I was causing because of how hurt I was and how unloved I felt. He said he didn’t know how to celebrate me. He said he didn’t know what hurt me. and those things crushed my spirit. he had asked, some time before, what he could do to make me feel more loved or something to that effect and I don’t think I ever answered. I felt dejected that he was asking this after all this time. I wasn’t able to see past all these things and that was definitely a drawback on my part.

I truly wanted this relationship to work. I had my heart set on it. I had many hopes and dreams for us both. After my relationship with EHB ended, I lost faith that I would be in a position to have the ideal family I pictured in my head. I had hopes of having that with SS. I hoped we would be good together and get past the things that were holding us back. But it wasn’t to be. I have wanted to be with him for so long. I was devastated by what happened between us in the first 2 years of knowing each other when he choose to distance himself and love someone else. I mean, you cant be mad at someone for loving someone else but what hurt me was how long it took him to tell me. what hurt me then was feeling like a stop-gap until he found something better. I hated feeling that way and if that’s how I’ve made him feel now, I am truly sorry. I hated watching him openly love someone else when all I wanted was for him to love me the same way. I hated that he couldn’t see how that hurt me. I hated that he blamed me for that and that he couldn’t acknowledge how he contributed to my pain. I hated that he thought I wanted public acknowledgement when all I really wanted was to know how he truly felt about me. I wanted to know he was happy for me and for us in those moments when he was by himself. I wanted to know about the random, stray thoughts that crossed his mind that made him acquaint me with love in his mind. I wanted to know that he thought of me when he thought of love. How could I not be jealous, when for my birthday I get a card with his name in it, but his deceased ex-girlfriend gets pics of them being affectionate posted all over twitter? how was that to make me feel? he didn’t get it then and I don’t know if he ever will. Much in the same way that he can rant and rave about me when he is mad, id have liked to see some sort of expression of contentment when he was happy.

In his emails, he chastised me for being just there and it crushed me to read what he said. While I don’t agree with his take on things, I suppose I understand them. I often felt like he was just there. how could I not, when he would be asleep when I got up for work and sometimes asleep when I got home? how could I feel like he was more than just there when after being asleep when I got home, he would be unable to sleep and then leave the apartment to go hang out til all sorts of hours of the morning? how was I to feel whenever I brought up him being gone in the nights, he would say that that’s how he was from before we met and that that I’m demonizing his sleep patterns? how was I to feel if when I offered a compromise that he message me before he leaves out, he couldn’t hold up his end of the deal? how was I to feel like he was more than just there when id have to go to work, take care of the bills and do all the chores? what was his contribution to the household? what was his contribution to me? just being present? he would cook but that became less and less frequent. he didn’t seem interested in doing that anymore. how was I to feel when he started working that he didn’t tell me when he got paid and that he would buy groceries every so often rather than make a structured financial commitment to the household?

how was I to feel about his formerly close friend saying that he has women in his girlfriend’s apartment while she is at work? I know he judges me for listening to his friend and not believing in him, and lord knows I wish I could’ve ignored what was being said. but it was truly difficult with all that was happening between us. Its hard to not worry and feel concerned when you feel unloved and when your boyfriend really does have the opportunity to do the things he was accused of doing. I’m not there on the nights he leaves the apartment and doesn’t come back until late the next morning. how am I to feel when I ask for reassurance I am told I don’t need it? how am I to feel when my concerns aren’t addressed? how was I to feel loved when every time i’d open my mouth he would bring up a problem related to himself, rather than address my issue? how was I to feel heard and understood?

there are many things I wanted from him to feel connected to him and feel special. and I’m pretty sure that he was aware of some, maybe even most of the things that bothered me. we have actually spoken about quite a few of the things I’ve previously mentioned, but still he said he doesn’t know how he hurt me. that broke my heart. there are a lot of little things he could have done consistently to make me feel loved and appreciated … like helping out around the house or trying to be awake when I was home or spending more of the time he was in fact awake with me rather than outside on the steps or talk to me about how he was feeling, like about things such as the abortion or listen to me without making me feel bad for having a problem. I don’t doubt that he loved me but more and more it has become clear to me that I wasn’t loved in the ways that I could feel loved and because of that I couldn’t return the love I felt in the ways he wanted.

I didn’t want to yell at him. I actually quite hate conflict and having to fight. However, I felt that if I kept quite my soul would be crushed and I felt that if he could be so brave and bold and tell me what was on his mind then I could too. If he could walk around and swear and say mean and awful things about me then why couldn’t I fight to be heard? it was probably not the best approach and maybe did more harm than good but it was apart of our pattern that he likes to refer. what he really does is talks about patterns that I have without realizing how integral he is to it. on the night of his birthday, I wouldn’t have started yelling if he wasn’t cursing and being nasty towards me. in fact we were speaking to each other quite fine until he started pounding on the bed and getting agitated. but as far as I can tell he doesn’t make that connection. he only sees what ive done wrong and not how he contributed to it. I know he can make linkages and see things because he told me that him throwing the cake at me was basically as a result of what I was doing. it wasn’t his loss of control and anger that caused it, it was my behavior. it all comes down to what I did or didn’t do.

I do accept my role in this. there are many things I could have done differently. I could have tried harder to see his point of view. I could have tried much harder to love him the way he needed to be loved. and I certainly could have tried harder to be the bigger person and look past my own hurt feelings. I could have tried harder to look past feeling stifled by him and meeting his needs, to try to meet him half way in the hopes that he would follow suit. I really wanted him to apologise to me. I wanted him to know that he hurt me and acknowledge the ways that he did. I wanted to forgive him for hurting me. I wanted to forgive him for all the things the had done that rubbed me the wrong way and made me feel undeserving or unworthy or inferior to him. but he never acknowledged his wrongs and he certainly hasn’t apologized. and at this point I’m sure it wont happen. in one of his many emails to me, he basically says that he hopes I see my shortcomings and fixes them so that I don’t do this to myself again or to anyone who wants to love me. I too hope he has learnt something and that he learns enough to not hurt the next person he chooses to be with. I hope he is able to look into himself and see where he has truly erred and make whatever changes may be necessary. He is going to therapy and I hope he gets a benefit from it, but I’m not sure that will be the case. I don’t know how good that therapist is for him or how much of what is learnt is sticking with him. I say this not because I have a problem with therapy as he suspects, but because after one of his sessions, he blasted me for pulling away from him and distancing myself until there was nothing left to keep me grounded. My heart sank reading the emails, because all I could think was that he doesn’t really see how he fit into the picture. he doesn’t seem to take any real responsibility for what happened. it all falls squarely at my feet. even he has said as much. I know we all look for confirmation of what we think. we all look for answers that suit us, but I would like to believe his therapist means him some amount of good and will hopefully help him see where he went wrong and how he can correct it.

anyway, its not really about him and I wont make excuses for him because I believe in my heart that he could have done better because he should have/does know better. I believe he should have handled things quite differently, but as he is human like myself, he is prone to making mistakes. and, just like I was unable to see past my own pain and choose to love him in the ways that he needed to, maybe he was unable to look past his pain and love me as I needed him to. I know many other things needed fixing and after thinking about it all and writing this epistle, I wonder to myself why would I even consider reconciling. its not because I miss him or because I’m lonely or because I feel like I couldn’t do better. its mostly because I suppose I still have an itty-bitty bit of faith that love can overcome things and i really did love him. sometimes I wonder if this really is the end or if we will end up together again like the times we did before. I don’t have an answer and for now I accept things as they are. I just feel immensely sad that he never really understood me and that he never acknowledged how he hurt me or tried to makes amends for it.


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