my thoughts have been very pre-occupied with SS since he sent his last email. i feel a lot of things that i cant quite name. i am very bothered by a lot of the things he said in his email and they have left me feeling quite sad and hurt. i feel that he has been unfair in many of his assertions. I feel he has been very one-sided as well. if i was to judge him by the same standards he has set for me then our relationship would have disintegrated quite some time ago, i think.
“While it’s lovely to share words, actions speak much louder than they ever could and it’s what I used to evaluate how you really feel about me. Perhaps you should take some time and reflect on your actions and maybe then you will begin to see why I feel the way I do.”
i lifted those two sentences from the email he sent to me. I suppose actions do speak louder than words. Its what we have all been trained to think and believe. However, it seems to me that many of us miss, that like words, actions can be open to interpretation. Look at the act of opening the car door for someone, for example. A man might open an car door for a woman and neither of them think anything of it. Both could see it as a simple act of courtesy. Alternatively, the man could see it as going out of his way for the woman and the woman could agree with this line of thinking and see the man’s act as special and meaningful. The woman could see it as an obligation on the part of the man and be disappointed if he doesnt do it. And the man could just be doing it as a part of a routine and add no importance or meaning to the act. I say all of that to say that, I too could have judged his feelings for me predominantly by his actions and in that case we might not really have got anywhere. I hated that he didnt help out more around the house. I felt like i was being overburdened and over-worked. I felt that our duties werent equally shared. However, as much as i felt that way, I didnt take his helping out to mean he didnt love me or that he didnt appreciate me though id be lying if i said it didnt feel that way. There were various reasons why he couldnt or didnt help out as much as he could have or as much as i would have liked, and I accepted his reasons for this as they were given. I hated that he would come in late and then sleep away the day and leave all the chores on my, but i had to accept that it was because of his unusual sleep pattern or work schedule. Should i have thought less of him for not waking up to help with chores? Should i have thought less of him for not making more of an effort to do something that was important to me? and funny enough its not that he didnt know i wasnt a fan of the late sleeping and he was well aware that i needed help around the apartment, but still no real change was made. should i have then judged him by his actions and not his words? let’s think of those times when he couldnt sleep and left the apartment without saying anything. should i have not taken him at his word that he forgot? or should i look at his actions and determine by them that he didnt care? i mean, he was well aware that i wasnt a fan of him leaving in the night and we came to an agreement about what to do if he felt the need to leave. how then should i interpret him not sticking to the arrangement?
What should i think of his actions when he changes plans without including or consulting me? how should i interpret him throwing something at me? what should i think of his actions when he walks out of the apartment because i wouldnt have sex with him? what should i think of his actions when he expresses his discomfort about having the abortion performed by someone who knows him and also when he opted to talk to a friend instead of me about his feelings regarding that situation? What should i think of his flirting online when he knows i dont like it? what should i think of the hours he spent outside on the stairs smoking and watching videos when i wanted his attention and company? what should i think of the times i got in from work and no chores were done and no dinner was made, even though he was home all day? what should i think of all the times he went out with his friends without giving me any real notice or without inviting me? what was i to think of him not repairing the damage to my vehicle? what was i to think of him not telling me about getting paid etc, and doing more financially after being employed? most, if not all, these things were brought up to him as bothersome to me. and more often than not what i got was an explanation as to why it happened but no real change to ensure there was no repeat of the matter. this resulted in me usually having to hug up my feelings and kinda just accept that this was how things would work. and it wasnt because he didnt love me or care for me, even though i might have felt that way, but because it was just how he was and no ill-intent was meant by it as evidenced by his words.
what was i to do on all the occasions that his actions didnt match up with things that would make me feel loved and cared for? should i have used that as the primary judge of his feelings? should i have judged his feelings for me by the way in which he told me that he was choosing to be with someone else? should i have used it to judge him then? and should i still use it to judge him now? hmm, it wouldnt be fair of me to do so but i guess its ok for him to do it. i guess its ok for him to utilise this “actions speak louder than words” narrative when it suits his perspective. but i dont believe those rules apply to me. ive wondered to myself many times if he ever stopped to think of the impact of his actions on me and how they made me feel. but if im to be honest, the conversation in my head usually ended with him telling me that its just the way he is and he doesnt mean anything by it and that i somehow should have known he loved me. and then im left wondering how i should know if at the end of it all the actions he displayed meant something different to me than they did to him?
im pretty sure i could say that he was just present. often times he would actually say that he wouldnt be present if he didnt feel a particular way. and also that i should know how he feels because why else would he be there? Maybe i didnt deserve actions that to back up those feelings and maybe him being present was to be sufficient for me. that seems a tad one-sided but who am i to complain? who am i to feel hurt by it? who am i to disappointed that i didnt get it? i am very put off by the things he has said and the approach he has chosen to use but i guess he is just doing whats best for him and thats ok. unfortunately what it does is that it makes it easy for me to feel validated by my decision. It makes it just a little bit easier to feel relieved that its over. it makes the heartache and pain i feel, hurt just a little bit less.