i get it

i have been feeling very distracted these last few days. my mind has been preoccupied with why i havent heard from SS. i thought he would have responded to my email but i guess i was wrong. i hoped he would have said something. i was hoping for closure but its not to be. and i have to make my peace with that. at the time of the fight i wanted things to end and even now as i rethink that because i miss him, i suppose i hoped we could work things out somehow. but again its not to happen.

i did a twitter search for his screen name and i realised that people have been interacting with him recently. i am somewhat relieved as i now know he is alive and maybe well. but again i was thinking that he would have responded to my email. even more than that i thought i would have heard from him regarding getting his things. i look forward to the day when i dont have to think about or deal with this. i feel like im in limbo a little bit because i dont know if i will hear from him regarding the email or his stuff. and then my mind wonders if when we do talk if things will be stirred up or if we will re-kindle.

i shouldnt think about this. i shouldnt hold out hope that things can or could have been better. i dont know whhy im doing it but i need to find a way to stop it because its not the best use of my energy. im deeply sorry that things ended like this. i had a lot of hope for what we could have been. i wanted him to love me and choose me and hear me. but it wasnt to be. now that i realise that he is ok and is choosing to not reach out, i will remind myself of that and of all the things i wanted to get away from and hopefully that will help me move on.

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