today i am filled with gratitude for EHB. i absolutely love the man. he is the best friend ive ever had and im very happy for him. he is the best father for our son and if im to be honest, sometimes i think he is the better parent of the two of us. he would tell me not to say that and reassure me that my son loves me and that im doing a great job and i would believe him. he would allay my fears and insecurities and make me feel better without making me feel stupid for worrying.
he makes my life easier. he spoils me and i love it. and its not because i like having someone follow behind me and be at my beck and call. its because i know that i always have someone i can rely on. i always have someone who will bring me dinner when im hungry and dont know what i want to eat. i always have someone who will help me out when i cant or am not in the mood to help myself. i always have someone who will give me a space to talk and vent and then call me on my bullshit if needed, without making me feel bad about myself and/or any decision i may have made.
sometimes i think i am overly dependent and using him as a crutch to boost my sense of self and self-worth. other times i am just glad i have someone who is always in my corner. i dont have a lot of people who i can truly rely on and feel safe with. i dont have many people who i can let my guard down with and am genuinely grateful to have found all that in him and i dont want to lose it.
he and i no longer have any sort of intimate relationship and with my relationship with SS over, this would be a great opportunity to rekindle things and jump right back in and re-claim the ideal family i wanted and thought i would have. but it will never happen. we were good when we were together but then things went bad and didnt recover. i am honestly not sure how things would work if we were to try to be in a relationship again but we would have a lot of intimate partner problems to work through. so believe me when i say this way of being is best and its what i love. i will work on not being overly dependent on him, because i dont want his support to become a crutch. plus i think i also need to learn to work on being more reliant on myself.