a response

a response to an email he sent. this isnt the version he got but its most of what id say:

I am truly saddened and disappointed that you feel as if I wasn’t willing to put in the work. I’m sorry that you felt that I had “given up so many times”. After reading your email over and over and over again, I am left conflicted about whether or not to provide a comprehensive response to it. My first instinct is to respond and refute what you have said and defend myself. I feel a strong need to “correct” you and show my side of the coin, but I don’t think that would add any value to this discourse. I think it would lead to more friction and it would leave you feeling as if your concerns weren’t acknowledged. There are many things I’d like to say to you and similarly there are many things I’d have liked to ask. I have however resigned myself to not knowing.

I appreciate that you’ve acknowledged its been painful for us both. Our memory differs on your point about you not walking away “until it became obvious that I couldn’t trust you to make healthy decisions for us both”, however I wont belabor the point. You ask why didn’t I find a way to make it work as if I made no effort. You ask this as if I never tried and I think that’s very unfair. I feel truly slighted by it because I know in my heart that I tried to make this relationship work. I tried every single day. I opened up my heart and home to you. I fit you into my entire life and made space and allowances for the way you do things. And when that didn’t work I tried to fit into your life so that I could keep you in mine. I tried to go along with the way you prefer to do things just so you would accept me and have and easier time of it. I opened up on occasions when I’d have rather shut down. I tried doing things your way when I felt like it was killing my spirit. I waited for signs and signals from you that you claim were there but I just couldn’t see. I got used to the idea of loving you and being loved by you despite our history. But still you don’t think I found a way to make it work. I am truly sorry you feel that way. You say I had all of you and that I had your pure, unadulterated love, but it really didn’t feel that way when you would even listen to my grouses or when you tell me that you don’t know how you hurt me and that you don’t know how to celebrate me. Those things didn’t make me feel like I had all your love and to be honest I was somewhat ok with it because I felt like the time we were taking to rebuild would help cover some of those gaps and heal some of those wounds but it wasn’t to be.

You ask why it always had to boil down to me shouting at the top of my lungs or saying hurtful words, and I cant help but wonder to myself if I was fighting with myself. If I am to follow what you are saying, it would seem that as soon as we experienced any sort of friction that I would fly off the handle. And maybe that’s how it seemed to you, so there is really not much I can do about that. However I will take a moment to point out that I wasn’t fighting with myself and I never just started yelling and screaming without provocation. Its not an excuse and it doesn’t make it right or mean it wa the best thing to do, however it is what it is. And it was a response to you. On the night in question, I was talking to you quite calmly until you got agitated and started pounding on the bed. I was talking just fine (and later on crying) while you ranted and carried on and cursed and said some rather less than pleasant things. Maybe I missed some sort of memo, but I’m not sure what you would have expected me to do. Was I to stay quietly in bed and not say anything while you vented? Apart of me thinks maybe I should have just stayed there quietly and maybe that would have prevented things from escalating. Then another part of me wonders how much worse I would have felt about myself, if I just laid there timidly and afraid to speak up. I don’t think I should be afraid of you and I don’t think I should be afraid to speak up, so I did. I wonder how much worse I would have felt listening to you say the things you were hell-bent on saying. I don’t think you ever took the time to realize that I was fighting to keep my head above water. I was fighting to not feel diminished and belittled and insulted by you. I was fighting to be heard. Maybe you don’t see how easily your personality can dominate some of those around you and how much some of us have to fight just to maintain some semblance of self. Maybe you have never realized that your actions are sometimes very over-powering and that listening to you rant and rave and loudly mumble these nasty things can have the effect of making those you claim to love feel small and feel like they are about to break and feel worthless. Maybe you never realized that theres only so much of that type of thing any one person can take. Maybe you never realized that the reaction you got came as a result of provocation. But so be it. I suppose you are right that it shouldn’t have to boil down to me yelling and saying hurtful things. I probably should be able to sit through the vitriol and brush it off and move right on or wait until you are calm. I probably should have been able to ignore your actions and control my own. I suppose I will one day learn to internalize that sort of thing, but id be lying if I said I thought that I’d have to endure it this much with you. I believed when you said you loved me so I never expected you to treat me that way and I ultimately expected that you wouldn’t push me to these breaking points and expect me to just deal with it. I expected that if you wanted me to deal with you reasonably then you would treat me reasonably.

I’m sorry that you feel that I never really heard you. I’m also sorry that it makes you feel like I don’t know you, don’t respect you and that I never really loved you. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t feel the same way some times. There were so many times I felt that you didn’t hear me. Amongst the things that stand out in my mind and prove this is when you told me that you don’t know what hurts me. After all this time, I cant believe you would say that but I guess, its just one of those things that we have to deal with. Hmm, maybe I subconsciously checked out after that. I mean, how can you claim to love someone but not know what hurts them? How could he say that to me when I’ve said it so many times? There were many times I felt disrespected by you, including but not limited to the day in question. You got mad at me for wanting you to express to me a common courtesy. You got upset because I was expressing my desire to be included in your life and your activities. I’m directly telling you of a way that makes me feel loved and respected and you are dismissing it right off the bat, how was I to feel? There are many times I felt that you didn’t know how to love me. I am pretty sure that I tried to communicate this on multiple occasions but I don’t think it helped much. I’m appalled that you would mention having a safety net and having one foot out the door. I accept that it is how you feel but I’m entirely surprised that you would say that here when I’ve expressed this concern to you before, but you cant help how you feel. It makes me think bad to when you chose a relationship with Jodi over me. I am 100% sure that you didn’t tell me that you wanted to stop crossing blurred lines with me the moment you met her. I got that speech when things started getting serious which in my book is way too late. I felt like you had a safety net then so this reference really hurts me.

Im not sure how to address your point about lines being crossed. At first you didn’t want to cross blurred lines with me now there are even more lines not to be crossed. I don’t feel that you are qualified to talk about lines that shouldnt be crossed. Do you really want to talk about lines that shouldn’t be crossed and that if crossed should be fixed asap? Lest you forget, you threw an object at me. You actually threw something at me. Was this not a line that was crossed and needed fixing asap? How did you fix throwing an object at me? Was that dealt with asap? Maybe ive misunderstood. You talking about not making things worse and not lashing out more and I wonder if you take the time to examine your own behavior and notice where you were guilty of this. And you know what, maybe I’m as dumb as bricks but I cant understand what you mean by “behaviour of the day and night wasn’t enough”. Ive re-read the chats so many times and I’m at a loss how you arrived at me having an attitude when all I did was express that I was bothered by something? Should I not have expressed myself? Should I not have said anything though I was uncomfortable with how things were progressing? I did it respectfully and without attitude. I did it in the moment rather than shut down and brood about it. I opened up and tried to attend to the issue rather than avoid it. These are all things you have asked of me. These are all things you have indicted that you want me to improve on. I am completely flabbergasted as to what was so very wrong with voicing my feelings. Why did my feelings have to termed as having an attitude? Why did my feelings not matter? Why was I wrong for saying something? Why am I always wrong? Why is everything I do wrong? Do you understand the impact on my self-esteem and self-worth? Do you see the imbalance you are creating?

You say you weren’t bashing me that night or any other time and that just wasn’t the reality I experienced. I don’t mind being criticized. I don’t mind my errors being pointed out. I have no problem learning to do and be better. My problem is being bashed and torn down in the process. There is no need for the name calling. There is no need for the nastiness. There is no need to preach doom and gloom and declare that they I will be miserable forever. There is no need to debase me and do things that strip away at my self-worth and sense of self. You say its troubling that I couldn’t make out that you were telling me what was hurting you. How am I to know whats hurting you if you make it about me? All you were talking about is about what you want and how I’m wrong for doing what I did. I don’t think that was communicating your point well. You talk to me about communicating all the damn time and go to great lengths to tell me to that I need to make sure whomever I’m talking to understands what I said. Why not take your own advice? And why is is that you think me trying to clarify and get you to understand my point wasn’t listening to you? I just wanted to be heard too. All I wanted was to point out how being excluded made me feel and I wanted an apology. I don’t think you did it on purpose but it happened and I think there was an easy fix but I was wrong. You are right, I couldn’t see that you loved my flaws because you always found a way to make me feel bad for them. You always found a way to make me feel I was headed for failure because I didn’t do things a particular way.

If you wanted me to see that you loved me, I think you just needed to listen to me a bit more. I really just wanted to be heard. If you wanted me to see that you loved me, I would have preferred if you opened up to be a bit more. For instance I would have loved if you had talked to instead of someone else about your feelings on the abortion. If you wanted me to see that you loved me then be more helpful to me around the apartment, include me in your life and not just when you have a problem, tell me you are happy and why, be expressive about your feelings towards and for me. Do you know how loved I felt when you said that you didn’t want me to have to make my own breakfast on my birthday? I ended having to do it myself because of work, but I felt loved knowing that you wanted to do it but were caught up in work. You take it for granted that I should know these things but how would I know if you don’t tell me? Do you realise that from the outside it seemed that you just got up and started working? I wasn’t mad about you working, I’m just pointing out that if you share things with me I can better understand.

I too am in a lot of pain. I am not angry. I am not upset. I am hurt. My feelings are crushed. I am HURT! There is a weight on my chest that makes it hard to breath. My mind is constantly clouded so I cant focus. I am devastated by what’s happened here. I am truly heartbroken. I have lost someone I love. Ive lost faith in someone I love. I lost a family. I have lost all that could have been. I have lost time. Ive felt disrespected and excluded. I feel like I wasn’t good enough. I feel unloved and unlovable. I feel like I’m being punished for being myself. I am not a malicious person and didn’t betray you just to hurt you. Im sure you will believe what you want, but I didn’t call the police because I was mad at you. I called because you refused to leave. I told you that’s why I was calling. You pointed out that you would leave when you were good and ready and after having some cake, if memory serves me. Even after you got dressed, you were still here arguing. I didn’t want to see you carted off and locked up as you seem to believe, but after all you had said and done up to that point, I wanted you to leave and your refusal to do so until you were ready, felt like further disrespect and defiance. It felt like further diminishing of me and myself. You talk about the “behavior of the day and night’ and im truly flabbergasted by this. I fail to understand how expressing myself could be so damaging to you. I wasn’t giving you any attitude. I wasn’t even angry. I was doing my best to be open with you and deal with the matter in the moment and follow through with the things you recommended I do so that problems don linger and fester. I don’t think I reacted badly to you until the fighting started and listening to you repeat over and over that you didn’t need to check with anyone and continue talking as if I was inconsequential and as if you were the only one that mattered, really hurt me deeply. So not only did my opinions not matter, neither did my requests for you to just leave. I know it wasn’t the right thing to do and I am sorry it got to that point. And I will say it again, it wasn’t done to intentionally hurt you. It was to get you to leave because I needed you to leave. The fact that you got hurt is an unfortunate and unintended consequence. I don’t expect your forgiveness, but I hope this gives you some perspective.

I’m surprised it took you so long to say this was my fault. Ive been expecting it. You say we both played our roles but somehow its my fault. You did many things wrong and you hurt me and just once it would be good to see you highlight them and apologise. You say you know you hurt me and that it wasn’t ok and that you tried to fix it but you also said that you don’t know when you hurt me. How can you fix what you don’t know? You say we are here because of choices I have made as if your choices haven’t also played a part in us being in this place. But I suppose since this was all written in an email to me about how you feel, I doubt your focus would be on highlighting your role in this mess. You say you always wanted to trust me and that you gave me your trust. I don’t really think or feel like you did. I think you’ve been waiting on this end that you always thought would come since I’m so bitter and poisonous. Since I’m destined to do things that would lead me to be alone and miserable, I think you were just waiting for when you could say “I knew it, I told you so”. You say I didn’t give the relationship a chance but I don’t think you gave me a chance. You’ve had me off ever since our very first fight and I don’t think you’ve ever given me a real chance since then. I don’t think you have forgiven me for that and I don’t think you think I have grown or changed since then. Ill take the time to point out here that much in the same way you are now left wondering if you can trust me not to betray you, I am left wondering if I could ever trust you to not get physical or violent with me. And much in the same way that I’m sure you don’t want me hanging an incident like that over your head, I don’t want you holding anything over my head. But we are both left with scars from this.

You are right it is a lot and its hard to believe that its not bashing me. But I accept it for what it is. When you point out that I brought it all to a swift and devastating end it is quite difficult not to feel bashed. I appreciate your honestly and I suppose I’m somewhat relieved that you’ve forgiven me for some of my transgressions. I wont lie and say I’m not somewhat pleased that you reached out. It makes my loss feel slightly less debilitating. For me its too early to talk about positives but I hope you find some positives to take from this too. I hope you find peace, happiness and love and learn something from this experience.

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