i am struggling to make it through the day without drowning in these thoughts. i feel so many things. i feel so distressed. i feel so sad. i feel so abandoned and rejected. beneath it all, i feel so unloved. i keep running through things in my mind and theres a apart of me that desperately wants to talk to SS> i want his attention and i suppose his validation as well. i want him to understand me and not hate me and recognise how he hurt me and just love me. its what ive always wanted. but when i think about the events of that night along with some of the other things that have happened i wondder why id ever want to deal with that again. i have no answer.
i have no answer and it makes me feel sad. i feel low in spirit and ultimately i feel unloved and unlovable. i feel like there is something wrong with me. i try to believe that there isnt. and i try to believe that its not all on me but this is one of those moments when im internalizing it all. am i so unlovable and inconsequential as a person that my own boyfriend couldnt bother to tell me he was changing the plans we made? am i so insignificant that this man who told me he loved me and that my feelings matter over everything else, wouldnt or couldnt take the time to see that i simply wanted to be considered? am i so absolutely awful he couldnt see how he hurt me?
maybe he saw and doesnt care. maybe he saw and didnt think it mattered. i dont know anymore. i just feel so low and awful. i feel like discarded like trash even though my feelings were trampled on. how is that even possible? how is it possible that he can seriously hate me and carry on the way he did with all that he did to me? i know he is entitled to his feelings and im sure i did and said some hurtful things to him that would cause his anger. and i would apologise if given the chnce. i would apologise if he would. i would acknowledge my mistakes and make amends, if only he would too. but instead he gets to sit there and hate me and tell me he wants nothing to do with me. he can get mad about me walking way from him when he was walked out of the apartment and left me here multiple times.
i feel stupid for wanting his attention and wanting him to do something to earn my forgiveness. i feel stupid for wanting him to finally understand me and see how he has hurt me. i know its not going to happen, so i look forward to forgetting. but for now i cant forget and i want to cry and scream and roll into a ball and lock myself away. i want to talk to EHB or someone and have them sympathise with me and tell me that i wasnt wrong for trying so hard and that im not wrong for still being willing to try. but there is no such person. there is no such sounding board. so i have to figure this out on my own. and while i make attempts to do so, i have to try to make it through each day feeling like i do.