longing for something

i am having a hard time. ive been doing my best to manage each day as it comes but i realise not that im not ok as i want or maybe even claim to be. our relationship has been officially over for 2 weeks not and i know time is needed and i suppose i will learn to give myself time, but right now im just not ok.

yesterday i spent the day with a lady from my landlord’s lawyer’s office. she had people coming by to view the apartment as my landlord is selling the place. so i be moving soon but i dont know where to yet as i havent found a place. i havent even properly started looking yet. i guess that has to change today. it wasnt an entirely bad day as the young lady was nice and we did have some pleasant conversations. she actually brought her husband and baby with her and while nice to see it was kinda depressing as well. i was happy being around a baby again because they are cute and soft and nice with big baby eyes. but then i just felt this sadness being around a family unit that seemed to be working. i dont have that with my son’s father and i wont have that with SS. i know i shouldnt look on their situation and compare it to mine but its hard to not see something you want and feel bad for yourself because it seems so out of reach. i kinda felt out of place in my own home and it wasnt because they were imposing on my space or anything. but it no longer felt like my home.

anyway, after they were done i told EHB that he could now bring my son home and that id need the car to go get food. i took him back to his office and SS was sitting outside the place. lord have mercy, i havent felt at peace since seeing him. anyway, we didnt speak. EHB got out and i got into the driver’s side and left with my son to get food. after we got food i went back to the office to give EHB back the car. SS was still there. again, we didnt speak even though there was more time and opportunity to do so. i am not sure what we would have said to each other but deep down i wish he had said something.

our last contact was via email on friday night about him getting his things. it was civil and that good. but if im to be honest, after i responded to him email i was left hoping he would say something else. i spent quite some time checking my email to see if he had sent me anything. he hadnt. i was disappointed. i felt similarly disappointed after seeing him and having no contact. i am disappointed because i would have wanted to talk to him. i would have wanted to hear that he doesnt hate me. i would have wanted an apology for the things he said and did. i still want to be heard and understood. i still want his love but above wanted to be loved by him i want to be treated equally and fairly. i want him to see his mistakes and recognise that they played a big part of what went wrong with us. i want him to reach out to me since he has decided that he wants nothing further to do with me. how can he not want anything to do with me when i wasnt half as awful as he was? but so it goes.

i cant stop thinking about him. i still hope he will send me an email or whatsapp message. i still hope for some resolution of the conflict between us. i hope for closure. i suppose i still hope we could be happy together but i know i shouldnt. no one i know would support me in a relationship with SS. its a part of why i feel so alone now. EHB doesnt like him as a partner for me. he has heard many things about SS and thinks im better off with out him. i dont have many friends that im close to and the one i do have dont care about this much. my cousin who i talk to about most things says i should walk away and dont look back. i suppose thats the most objective thing to do. and its what will happen in due time


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