i woke up feeling relatively good today. i felt good and calm and peaceful. i dont know why thats the case but im grateful for it. i woke up feeling good and managed to get through the stuff i had to do today without feeling weighed down by this emotional turmoil. i know im not ok and i know this feeling won last but im happy for the little peace i was able to get today.
its a challenge to get through each day and not think about SS and the way things ended. and i have many feelings about it, but i really am doing my best to get past it all. i hate reliving it. i hate that im still trying to make sense of it. i hate that that fight happened and i truly do hate that we are in this place. i hate that we bring out such toxic sides to each other. i dont want to admit it but maybe we werent meant to be together. though i dont actually believe that. i dont believe in soulmates but i do believe that people can work through their challenges and build pretty strong relationships. i believe that love is a powerful emotion and that with the right amount of effort and desire it can be great for whomever wants it to be. i fail to understand, though i have my theories, why SS and i couldnt make it work.
i dont worry myself with how he is feeling but its not because im not concerned. its because i cant do anything about it. i dont want him to hate me and i dont want him to forever be hurt by me and think badly of me. but i remind myself that what he thinks of me is none of my business. he is entitled to think whatever he does and feel whatever he does. its not my duty to change his mind. if i had the opportunity though, i think i would apologise for what i did. its the right thing to do. i wouldnt want to though because i would feel as if he won. i would end up feeling as if his pain takes precedence over mine. i would feel as i am making amends to him when he should be making amends to me. i would feel as if my emotions are inferiour and secondary to his. i would feel as if im having to fix him while remaining broken. that night of the fight, all i really wanted was an apology for being excluded and i wanted him to realise that my problem wasnt with him wanting something for himself but was with him thinking so little of me that he didnt think he needed to ask or include me. i struggle with this because i dont want to be dominated and i dont want to be with someone who doesnt view me as an equal partner. i dont want to be with someone who just doesnt see the importance of that type of inclusion and how it translate into me feeling loved. i didnt feel loved that night. i didnt feel special or important. i didnt feel like the love of his life. i didnt feel like a whole person. i felt diminished and disregarded. and the fact that he kept saying that he didnt need to ask me anything and that it was ok to be selfish and things like that, just made me feel less and less human and less and less loved. you know, when the police came, and even before that, he said he didnt have the time to say certain things and express things a particular way, but i find that hard to believe as we were still conversing after he told me his friend was coming to get him. he didnt once mention being sorry about not saying it to me first or mention anything about being in a rush. he just got defensive about not needing to ask me anything. and that truly hurt me. i know he doesnt need my permission and i know he doesnt have to ask me anything. i know he is a grown ass man that can do as he pleases. i just wish he didnt think of me wanting to me included as him needing permission or as him being restricted from doing as he pleases.
i know he and i will remember things differently. our triggers were different. our reactions were different. and i suppose thats ok. its just very unfortunate. sometimes i think he doesnt realise or maybe he forgets how he provokes me. he has said it before so i know its true … he doesnt know what hurts me. since thats the came it would stand to reason that he probably doesnt know what provokes or triggers me. i dont think he will make the link between his reaction to me when i was trying to tell him how i felt and why i felt that way and my subsequent outbursts. i dont think he will make the link between his actions and my frustration. i wish he had just listened to me explain why i would have preferred if things were handled differently. i wish he didnt say that he didnt need to ask me anything. i wish he didnt say those things that made me feel so unloved. all ive wanted for the longest while is to be loved and be sure of his love. i didnt wanna see the movie but i felt really good that he wanted to see a movie with me, even though he prefers to watch movies by himself. i was ok with going along with the new plan, but would have preferred if he said something to me. i wouldnt have minded being included in whatever he does with his friends. i wasnt normally included in those things. i recall so many times we would just be here together and he just gets up and leaves because some friend of his is having or doing something. there would be no prior notice and there would never usually be an invitation to join in. i think that may have happened once or twice. during the fight he said i sounded jealous of his friend. and while not accurate, because the friend isnt the source of my problem, i was jealous of how he was choosing to spend his time. i can only now imagine the backlash i would have faced if when he and i made plans to do something together, i just informed him that someone was coming to get me to take me some place else. i dont think he would have liked it regardless of the situation.
and i think thats also one of the big issues for me. he wouldnt have liked me treating him like this so why was it ok for him to do it to me? how is this far? how is this supposed to be seen as a reciprocal, caring relationship? how am i to not feel like im being held to an impossible standard. thats how i felt. i felt like i was being punished for not only speaking up for myself but also for wanting some amount of equity.
anyway, i really didnt mean to get into this now because i have a lot of studying to do. but i guess i just needed to get somethings off my chest.