i finally cried today

today was a hard day for me. i tried to stay focused and study for my upcoming mid-term but it was truly difficult. i had my son and nephew with me for a portion of the day and that was very distracting. then i was really just quite irritated about this situation with SS. a part of me is waiting to hear from him and i dont know why. i suppose i am waiting on him to have some sort of epiphany and apologise so that it would be easier to forgive him. it would also make him more human to me and less of this this monster-like person with a hard, selfish shell that i cant get through to.

and if dealing with this break-up wasnt bad enough my period came and now im struggling through these hormonal changes. i feel like a mess. this is not the first time ive wondered about it but may be one of the few times if not the only time ive documented it, but sometimes i think my period makes me crazy. and i use crazy here very loosely. ive noticed on a few occasions, and this is usually after the fact, that i am struggling with maintaining and controlling my patience as well as my anger and general irritability around the time that my period is due. ive mostly noticed it after snapping at my son for things that probably werent worth that level of a reaction. and when i do notice i do my best to make sure i apologize for my behaviour. funny enough that im bringing this up now, because im now forced to wonder if my reaction to SS was also hormone related. he has mentioned that we frequently have these issues and and while i dont think we fight that often, my blogs prove me wrong. his insistence that we are always fighting because someone feels some type of way about things being said leaves me to wonder, if my reactions to the things he does that irk me have been blown out of proportion because of these period hormones. im not looking for excuses for why i react badly or why im bothered by the things he does, because they really do hurt my feelings. im just now thinking that the volatility and severity of my actions that he referred to may not reasonably have always been within my control. the next time i see a doctor i will ask about it. it wont have any bearing on me and SS but if its something worth looking into then ill do it especially if it helps me deal with my little one better. i dont like being rough with him especially when he doesnt deserve it and it really does bother me when i realise that he was just an innocent party to my hormonal rage.

anyway, today i cried. i dont think it was as much as it could have been but it was enough. i couldnt keep it all in anymore. so after everyone left and as i settled down to study, i cried. i talk to myself and cried. i talked as if to SS and cried. i needed someone to open up and vent to, but in the absence of that i just opened up to my empty room and cried. i dont remember exactly what i said to myself and the room but it was what was hurting my soul. it was what i needed to get out. i am trouble by a lot of the things that happened. and i am subsequently troubled by a lot of the things i now feel and i realise it will take some time to sort through them all. everything in its time i suppose. at this very moment i feel surprisingly together, though i was a mass of tears not so long ago. i feel very alone right now and i am in need of comfort. i can clearly identify that need, though i cant think of a positive way to fill it. my rational mind is telling me to create as much distance as possible from emotional situations and remain detached as much as i can. im not sure what this means for me just yet but i will cross that bridge when i get there.

i have been thinking about something though and i think i will make a firm decision on it soon. i dont see myself entering into another relationship anytime soon. not only do i need to heal and get over this one thats just ended, but i have very little interest in going through this again with anyone else. its not that i dont think i can find love and be happy with someone else. but i dont really want to. at first i wanted and expected to be with EHB but then things fell apart. fortunately, we have a son together and while its not the ideal white picket fence type family, its our family and im mostly ok with how things are. i then looked forward to a life with SS and finally having that ideal relationship and family life situation but that went to hell. and now im really not in the mood to try it out again. i dont want the disappointment and i dont want the failure. i dont want the loss and pain. i dont want to be in another situation where i am left questioning myself and my worthiness. if im to be truly honest, i think ive lost a bit (if not a lot) of my faith in love. i used to think that love was enough. and this love that was enough, wasnt just love but encompassed, hard work and understanding and effort and trust and respect. but ive learnt love isnt enough … maybe nothing is. maybe im just enough for the type of love i think i should have. who knows? whatever it is, i just dont have the faith that the love i saw in my head is real. when i think of what i just experienced with SS and when i see and listen to married/committed male friends engage in all sorts of activities that disrespect their unions, i have no faith that the love i want is real. while my position on this may change as i heal and or change, for the immediate and near future, i have no interest in this. SS once said something similar to me but that was during a time when he liked/loved me even though we were having problems. now im pretty sure his disinterest in relationships probably only extends to relationships with me. in any case, i hope he finds someone whom he can love in the ways that he knows how. i hope he finds someone who accepts him as he is and that he doesnt have anymore trouble in his relationships. i hate that he hates me but i really dont hate him per se, though i am truly angry with him. i hope he finds whatever it is he is looking for.

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